The Fog on the Line

A good night for the soup dragons
who played on the winning team

A fogbound Lough Moss was the setting as normal on Monday night but the football lacked any real passion or desire - maybe it had been used up at The Morning Star on Saturday, venue for the annual Christmas Night Out. An interesting evening, bookended by the Errigle for some. The opportunity to meet Girly Bhoy's latest fling started proceedings and she certainly seemed surprised at Girly's popularity. He continued to surprise late into the evening when he touched for another girly boy on Donegall Street.

When you find the man of your dreams

Consequently there was no sign of the real Girly Bhoy on Monday night - it is alleged he has eloped with one of his future wives! The Soup Kitchen team ran out 3-2 winners with the goal of the evening being a deft back heel by Fuhrer Soup himself.


In response to the many questions on the recuperation of club captain, Blind Willie, I am pleased to inform you all that he has been discharged from ICU and has had many tubes (breathing, eating and transfusing) removed to expedite his speedy recovery. According to sources closest to the Blind stopper, he is looking forward to regaining his place in the first team even if he has to battle for his place with Brian "Ray Donovan" Kelly, the Ormeau Road fixer!

You can see the PEC from here!

Season of Good Willie

What a difference 6 months makes!

This blog has been active for almost a year now. It was initiated when one of our number, Blind Willie, drew my attention to a newspaper item that he had seen (surprisingly, through those glasses) and which echoed some of the camaraderie on and off the pitch that we have experienced as a middle aged bunch of has been footballers, for a number of years now. The blueprint for our game is that we still enjoy kicking the ball of air around, chasing it and each other with the target of being more successful than the opposition. Girly Bhoy has excelled in the twilight of his career and must be a runner in the Player of the Season vote at the Xmas gathering this coming Saturday - 6pm for 7pm in the Morning Star.

Something that has been even more impressive than Girly's success in the far east is the fact that Blind Willie has played football at all these last 4 months. You will all be aware that today he has undergone major surgery with his team of surgeons remarking how impressed they were at his fitness level and, "even more impressed with the fact that he played football right up to Monday night". So perhaps there is an ulterior motive to the Monday night madness and Willie is reaping the rewards of that now. For all our sakes, I hope so.

The news from ICU is good. Willie came through what was intended to be a 6 hour operation in 5 hours. Within an hour of coming out of the anaesthetic he was chatting up the young nurses and telling them about this great night he has planned for Saturday in the Morning Star. The physio has had him on his feet to get the lungs functioning again - some advice from Weiry might be useful there - and all the signs are very positive at this early stage. We are all unanimous in wishing Willie a speedy recovery but maybe not in time for Saturday as Brian has heard there might be a free meal available.

A fit again Weiry with Ron last weekend

Two photos of Weiry in one blog! What's going on? Well, as you can see Weiry is making giant strides towards recovery after his double lung transplant. The photo is from the Dessie Armstrong Formal which was attended by the current Armstrong Cup holders. Weiry spoke at the event encouraging all to consider organ donation without which we might not have had this photograph.

With all this serious news, it hardly seems relevant to report the scores of the last couple of Monday night encounters. You will hear all about that glorious hat trick on Saturday!!

Green and Whites and Oranges

Orange is the new Black

Belfast Betis

Old Firm Sunday and the Crocks of Orangefield took on the Masters of Ulidia, a bit like a Belfast Old Firm but without the flags, sectarianism or indeed, the football. The usual 11th hour apologies caused headaches for both team managers but headaches are something that they are used to on a Sunday morning. So, at high noon, the two teams took the field for the long awaited rematch after the initial meeting of the sides last March.


From the off, it was apparent that Burnsy had reshuffled his pack and introduced a few new faces. Ron, too, had reshuffled his pack and introduced some older faces holding firm to the belief that there is no substitute for experience and treachery. Orangefield attacked down both flanks but were unable to open the scoring until a set piece (read corner that bounced four times in the Ulidia box) that must have taken weeks of training to perfect, allowed the ball to be flicked past the helpless keeper and Orangefield got their first notch on the Aquinas bedpost. Ulidia were still playing some neat football and should have had the ball in the back of the onion bag when Ferryman broke clear, did the hard work in beating the hapless defender, but slapped his shot wide of the target. Feeling a bit sorry for himself, the Ferryman volunteered to make way for a very enthusiastic Culchie who stepped on to the pitch and passed the ball to the Orangefield centre forward for number two.


At last Ulidia woke up with a deft right foot shot from Madman that found the back of the net and Ulidia were back in the game. Not for long. A counter attack from Orangefield after the ball was lost in midfield, resulted in a volleyed goal into the Ulidia net, off the post, and the Orangefield players celebrated - as much surprised as Ulidia by the quality of the strike. The half was not over yet though. Doc, playing out wide for Orangefield, picked the ball up and ventured into the Ulidia box, tripping over himself acrobatically. The ref, who had a generally good game, blew up and the shock wave brought tears to the eyes of Blind Willie who was adjudged to have scythed the nimble Doc. The penalty was converted by Doc himself and the whistle for half time could not come soon enough for the Belfast Betis.


Half Time, Ulidia 1-4 Orangefield.


Both teams made changes for the second half but neither could make any difference to the scoreline as Orangefield netted four more times to Ulidia's once - a goal from debutant, Conor the Fish, continuing the tradition of goalscoring aquatic species following in the wavy fin flips of the lamented Billy the Fish. Bring back the fat slags says Girly Bhoy who was again conspicuous by his absence. An ideal foil for Cruncher, his non appearance undoubtedly contributed to this soundest of defeats and the biggest in the long illustrious history of this ancient team. However, no point in crying over spilt milk, but spill Ron's pint and that's another story.


Thanks to the ref who gave his services free of charge and thanks to Orangefield for the invitation back to the Cregagh Club. With tails firmly lodged between legs this didn't happen but when the re-rematch takes place, let's hope for a sunny Sunday afternoon in the summertime. Beer and Barbie?

Ron, Burnsy and the Ref compare facial ticks

Vintage People

We still prefer a night at Lough Moss to a night at the opera

At weddings, birthdays, christenings and barmitzvahs, men (and women) of a certain vintage cast away their inhibitions when the DJ cues the opening salvo of YMCA by the Village People. Who, of this generation (we can't include Culchie here) can honestly deny that they have flaunted their funky stuff at the behest of someone slightly less sober at the table where they have been idling away the hours with small talk and questions about who in the room you both know? Quite often, the call to arms by the motorcycle cop is a good excuse to move on but not until you have tripped over a selection of handbags, discarded coats and drunk uncles.


I only bring this up as last night we celebrated the ongoing maturation of our own "young men" as two of our number were inaugurated into the sexagenarian (nothing to do with sex) branch of Ulidia. Yes, Jolinho and Texas were awarded the long service medal and celebrated in style with a presentation pitchside from Ron Manager. Long gone are the halcyon days of Maysfield Leisure Centre when the same gentlemen played in different teams, but in the spirit of friendship and love, differences were set aside with the abandonment of the aforementioned venue and together they have forged a path for good. No doubt Jolinho will be practicing his famed stepover on the pitches of Belfast and beyond (Hamburg) for many years to come but don't ask him who won the Eurovision Song Contest. Texas will continue to be baffled by the mystery that is Girly Bhoy, his street fighting prowess and love for ladies with very low morals. I will continue to enjoy their company as of course will the rest of our extended football family. Congratulations lads!


Ron Manager did not divulge details of the evening's proceedings on the pitch but I can imagine! Girly Bhoy scored the winner in a thrilling end to end encounter leaving nothing on the pitch but his mark.


For those involved, please note that payment for the Armstrong Charity Formal on Saturday 26th November is now due. I will be sending round the street fighting team if you don't cough up. And everybody else www.justgiving.com/henryarmstrong

The Reign in Spain

Ron offers some tactical advice to Spain's number one fan, Manolo.

The summer recess is well and truly over. Girly Bhoy headed off to hookerland in seach of the elusive vine and Ron returned from the networking course in Valencia with some valuable contacts.

Your intrepid reporter has had to take enforced leave from the pitch for personal reasons but this has opened a space for the Ormeau Road's answer to Saul Goodman. A well-connected man with a colorful wardrobe and even more colorful sense of imagination (laser tag!), with a catch phrase that can't be beat - "If you want a new telly, better call Kelly!"

I have missed the craic and banter but hope that a podiatrist can get me back to where I belong;

1.  Before Girly Bhoy sells his wine empire and moves in with Ting Tong 22

2.  In time to see Cruncher score

3.  To see Deeno pass (wouldn't pass you a sandwich at a wake)

4.  To be reminded of the serenity of a Jolinho stepover

5.  To hear another rousing team talk from Ron Manager

6.  To suffer unbridled sectarian abuse from Lorenzo (and everybody else except Hendy maybe)

7.  To claim my goal of the season award

8.  To witness Magic display Gary Sprake like rationale in his time between the posts

9.  To see Culchie blast high and wide and call himself cultured?

10. To befriend Blind Willie and kick his stick

And a host of other reasons, but mostly involving sheep and beer and therefore not included here.

Don't forget Henry's justgiving page www.justgiving.com/henryarmstrong

Please contribute and leave a message .

See you all soon.

Bank Holiday Blues

The original "Sniffer"

Bank holidays are not renowned for throwing up exciting games at Lough Moss and, by and large, this August Bank Holiday was no exception. In the absence of Ron Manager, on an overseas talent scout, the teams lined out with Bogman going for all out attack with Cruncher and Culchie providing the firepower. Although one of the targetmen did eventually find the back of the net, their chances to goals ratio would not have impressed Ron. More impressive was Girly Bhoy's Taiwan shirt which got a second outing. He looked on form during the warm up too but alas he didn't manage to score, at least not on the pitch. Post match he left in a hurry as he had a Skype conference call with the Taiwan ladies who wanted to compare their recently received Christmas gifts. They got a set of ear rings between them and were hoping that Girly had another Groupon voucher for an extra set!


On the pitch, the Bog team led 1-0 through Ultan's arse and 2-1 through big Cruncher finishing a neat pass from the Culchie kid. Ferryman and Deeno evened up the game at 2-2 with only minutes left to play. The Bogman himself picked up the ball after another goalmouth scramble and made a neat pass to Sniffer wide on the left. Spying Cruncher and Culchie, ready to pounce, closer to the goal, there was only one option available to the footballing wizard - an outrageous chip from the half way line leaving Magic scrambling to get back on his line to deflect the goal bound wonder strike. Unfortunately too late and the massed throng gaped in awe as the ball nestled in the goal. 3-2 to the Bogmen and there was hardly time for a "By jove, I don't believe it", before the siren sounded signalling game over and the audacious goal was celebrated as far away as Valencia where the match was streamed to Manolo's bar where Ron scratched his head when he meant to scratch his arse.

So, school's back and lives return to normal but anyone who was there knows that there was something abnormal about the winning goal tonight. Almost supernatural, as if Ron was there in person willing his wards to win. Next week, Girly has promised to score a scissor kick and jump over the moon.

One more item - The Dessie Armstrong Charity Formal. We have filled 9 out of 10 places for this event. Frank and Weiry were the last two in - it has even been suggested that Weiry might speak on the evening. I hope so. If you think you might be interested, let me know ASAP. Henry has a justgiving page for the event, so if you can't go, make a donation and leave a Monday Night footballer message. The link is

www.justgiving.com/henryarmstrong

Cheers lads............. What a goal!


Bogmen                  Dogmen

Bogman                  Magic
Cruncher                 Ferryman
Culchie                   Jolinho
Sniffer                     Fuzz
Daddy                     Deeno
Ultan                       Gaz
Marty                      Mad Jack
Lorenzo                  Sean
Girly Bhoy              Tank

New Season

Reconstructed full forward

While many of you were settled in front of the box for a football disasterclass involving the cheating Brazilian Spaniard, real men (and Girly Bhoy) were gracing the hallowed turf that is Lough Moss for the start of the new season in the downward spiral of Monday Night football. Low numbers meant that two new signings made their debut - another O'Keefe, unfortunately responding to the nomenclature of Conor, but fortunately not blessed with the innate lack of anything that his namesake uncle has in abundance, and Ultan Towers Junior weighing in at 7 feet and 280 pounds, even more menacing than his gentle giant dad - see what I did there Ultan? Although the new lightweight Solicitor to the felons of the lower Ormeau had declared that he was available, Ron Manager refused to believe it and consequently he missed out on what could have been a frightening return to the theatre of nightmares.

Head Bogman went for experience in his selection and things started well. Spraying the ball around like a westie with an aerosol, reaped early rewards when Blind Willie (just back from a talent scouting mission to Sitges) got on the end of a long ball (something he has got to like since his trip) and slid it into Hendy's gaping onion bag. Such simple penetration brought tears to Willie's troubled eyes, or perhaps it was the onions on Hendy's team who left his goal unguarded! Hendy had something to say about it, but it was not, "Well done Big Willie". 

Goal number two followed quickly when the Blindman picked up the ball deep in his own half and weaved a pretty pattern through the knock-kneed opposition who could only look on in wonder as a slide rule pass picked out a galloping Sniffer who provided the assist that allowed Mad Jack to rip another hole in Hendy's bag. 2-0 and the game seemed to be slipping away from Ron Manager's wards. But not so.

It was left to the nimble footed Fuzz to inspire his comrades and in the style of his Maiden City compatriate, Eamon McCann, he declared war on the middle class midfield of the opposition by leading the way through hard work and endeavour. Putting his comrades before himself, he shone a bright light at a darkening stadium and his luminosity could not have been more blinding than when he drove a low shot through a pondering defence to halve the deficit.

We didn't have to wait long for the equalizer and a bizarre piece of goalkeeping from Fritz, the Magic Cat! Daddy O'Keefe struck a sweet shot from 30 yards which seemed to be gliding into the keeper's hands which he inadvertently forgot to take out of his pockets. Could be pocket billiards was more important than the incredulous looks from his team mates.

So, looking like a draw, Fuzz and his Derrymen retained possession but two glorious passes and a pinpoint cross from the socialist Steve Heighway led to the winner, a back post header from the biggest header on the pitch, Lorenzo. Ron was happy but his nerves were in pieces as Lorenzo, a solid defender, had reinvented himself as striker for the evening. Having said that it was a goal worthy of winning any game. The only person not applauding was Magic, who still had his hands in his pockets.

Many of the players, returning from holiday, were keen to hear what shenanigans Girly had been up to in the interim and nobody had any complaints as Girly modelled the latest addition to his extensive dandy wardrobe - a Taiwan ladies international shirt purloined from his latest conquest (and a jolly good fit she is too!)

The more sensational news of the close season is the injury time winner scored by Weiry after a very late deal in the transfer window. Yes, on 16th July, Weiry got himself a new set of buffs and so far so good. I have been in touch and whilst nothing is certain, the signs are good that his contract with Ulidia Masters will be extended. Consequently, we can look forward to more tirades of abuse from the fiery Scot for a wee while yet. In the meantime, I hope the heart is strong enough to handle another season of watching the "Buddies" and I don't mean the Belfast brigade!

Doire                Beal Feirste

Ron                   Bogman

Fuzz                  Sean

Daddy               Magic

Lorenzo            Blindman

O'Keefe            Towering Inferno

Hendy               Jolinho

Deeno               Sniffer

Marty                Mad Jack

Girly Bhoy

Football's Coming Home

Texas remembers the last time England won anything!

A tragic night for England and their media roadshow was welcomed at Lough Moss when the evening's hostilities were brought to a close at 10pm. Every player ran to their mobile phones for the result of Team England's latest unsuccessful foray into Europe or beyond. The second half display was, apparently, little better than a pub team and it is alleged that Henry Armstrong has already been on the phone to invite the English minnows to the Armstrong Charity Cup this Christmas  - they could be the opponents that Cromac might beat this year. With the excitement generated by this news, our own match paled into insignificance.


For the previous hour, the two teams were generally evenly matched. A goal each from Ferryman and Young Fuzz kept honours even until the O'Keefe brothers decided that sibling rivalry was more important than the outcome of the game. Cruncher reminded Feargal who was boss when it came to pugilism while Feargal displayed a remarkable talent for dancing as he jigged and high kicked sending Cruncher reeling. However, there was no hiding place for the big striker and picking on Girly Bhoy did not end well as Girly Bhoy's knowledge of the moves of an exotic dancer proved his saviour as he shimmied through the static legs of the forlorn goal getter (his slippery show may have had something to do with the lube he regularly employs before exercise).


As a result of this sideshow, Young Fuzz took advantage to complete his hat trick and Daddy Fuzz kept it in the family with a robust boot from 20 yards out. Blind Willie was distraught and agonised at the lack of penetration from his team mates, especially Girly whose acts of penetration are legendary, but not tonight.


Finally, it's good to be back up and running with the blog for another week before the summer break. This might be a good time to remind players that we have two tables to fill for the Dessie Armstrong Charity Formal on November 26th. This event raises funds for the Children's Hospice and is run by Henry Armstrong MBE, the long suffering charity fundraiser of the Ormeau Road. To date, he has raised in excess of £100,000 for the charities and recently made a substantial donation to our own fundraising this year for Weiry's Buffs. (Incidentally, the final total was almost £10,000 when gift aid was added so thanks again to everyone who contributed.) Five players are currently committed to this event (Marty, Kevin, Noel, Ron and Fuzz) but there is space for five more. These places will be allocated on a first come first served basis so please get back to me as a matter of urgency if you are interested. No payment is required before August but it would be useful to have the names of five more interested parties as soon as possible.


Brian Kelly, whose punting has him banned from Paddy Power, is backing Belgium for a first European Championship. Keep your money for the Armstrong Charity Formal is my advice.


Iceland                              Poundland


Bogman                             Blind Willie
Wee Fuzz                           Ferryman
Fuzz                                   Feargal
Cruncher                            Deeno
Jolinho                               Culchie
Marty                                 The Don
Gaz                                    Jack
Texas                                 Girly
Ultan                                   Noel

Rocky Road to Recovery

The Liquidator - "I will mess you up!"

Often have you heard it said, "He's a really nice bloke off the pitch". Generally, the assumption that one is inclined to make in light of this comment is that he must a complete bastard on the pitch! This, of course, is not universally applicable but as a rule of thumb it tends to be reasonably accurate - remember that lunatic who used to play at Maysfield and Declan O'Kane broke his wrist trying to kill him? The "Liquidator" or "Hallion" as was his alter ego in a previous incarnation is a really nice bloke off the pitch and the reason that you, dear reader, have been blogless this last couple of weeks. The recovery time for a badly bruised heel is much longer than I would have expected, but the older you get the longer is any recovery time. Girly Bhoy was only yesterday telling me that he can't get his breath back to make love more than once during a night of horizontal jogging so if he is struggling, what does that mean for us lesser mortals. To be fair, Girly's love sessions are legendary and, I believe, he only managed it once on tour but of this he cannot be sure - Ron reckoned he was awol at least twice and he couldn't have been lost in the lift on both occasions!


Fortunately, with the exception of Gaz, I have not been missed at our weekly football ritual (Gaz phoned to say that he missed me and my dazzling flair or was that hair?). Without the assists, the strikers have been quiet and goals have been few. Cruncher is still laughing at himself and Ferryman is laughing at Cruncher laughing at himself. I would like to report on some magnificent, post tour, end of season shenanigans but other than the usual antics of Girly Bhoy and his mogadon enriched insightful opinions, there is little to deliver.............
With the exception of one final reminder to contribute to the Weiry fund at www.justgiving.com/weirysbuffs. We have almost raised £7500 without the tax dividend so this has been a very successful exercise. I know some folk found it problematic when trying to access the page, so here is your last chance as I will be winding up the page next week.


I look forward to getting back in a week or so but in the meantime, go easy on the liquidator!

Glasshütte SV 1 - 1 Ulidia

Ulidia FC on tour (strip by Artigrass!)

The original purpose of the weekend in Hamburg was to reinforce our link with Glasshütte SV and at the same time bring the team together with a few beers and banter. There is no doubt that mission was well and truly accomplished and nobody died although there could yet be complications which could lead to premature death as an indirect result of 48 hours in Hamburg.



Magic looks happy with his stuka dive!





McKenna tells the paparazzi where to go!



Nerves were fraught before the game as Ron Manager insisted on no alcohol before or during the flight to Germany. It therefore came as a relief when big Rudi produced a case of beer before the game in an attempt to lull the opposition into a hyper relaxed mood. This plan backfired as it was just what was required to settle the anxiety that had been plaguing the Irish travellers.

Jolinho contemplates his outside bet of Australia for the Eurovision Song Contest

Blind Boy of Cullybackey dips into his illicit liquor stash!

Eventually, around 12 hours after leaving home, the game kicked off in earnest and the Belfast Betis were immediately on the back foot. Safe hands from Big Kevin (hands like shovels and feet like feet) settled the back four who contained the onslaught from the German Panzer division. The Blind Boys of Cullybackey were readying themselves for a gas attack when Sepp Maier lobbed one over the top to the feet of Magic McCloskey. Summoning up all his devilish flair, Magic ran straight at the shellshocked keeper who had no choice but to pull him to the ground. The referee eventually awarded the penalty after consultation with the Luftwaffe and, hey ho, it was jolly spiffingly fantastic to poke our noses in front when McKenna stepped up and dispatched the spot kick with all the aplomb of the rooftop sniper that he isn't.

 

A few changes were made on the pitch but the travelling team looked more likely to add to their tally before the half time whistle.The ceasefire allowed the home team the chance to regroup and reorganise themselves for a full scale attack in the second half.

The German changes had an immediate effect on the game and again the Ulidia goal was under siege. Wave after wave of Blitzkrieg attack were repelled but it was only a matter of time before the Germans got what they deserved. A pinball experiment in the Ulidia box ended up with the ball in the net and the Germans thought the Maginot Line had been breached. Ron manager had other ideas and fresh legs gave Ulidia a couple more chances to win the battle. A winner in the crossbar challenge, McKenna, thought he had stolen the lead when an adept left foot volley rebounded off the crossbar with the keeper beaten. Did he do enough to win "Man of the Match"? A split vote with Paul McCoy's considerable work in midfield proving the deciding factor.

Ron and Cruncher debate Girly Bhoy's contribution

Post match revelry in the Glassshutte club continued late into the night/morning on the Reeperbahn. Some bodies only arrived home in time to get up for the St Pauli match and some decided that they liked the hotel so much that they would spend most of the morning in the lift. Others chose the pavement outside as their preferred resting place for the late evening and some opted for the second floor corridor!

Dirk does not wear white sox!

The Jolly Roger was the pre St Pauli match venue and a fine establishment it is too. Celebrations continued into the night as St Pauli put five past Kaiserslautern.

Girly Bhoy dispels the myth!

The Hamburg team have indicated that they are going to put together another tour to these shores within a couple of years, so who knows, maybe a return to that corner of Schleswig Holstein is a possibility for Ulidia.

A final reminder that we are still fundraising for Weiry who was our goalkeeper when the Germans first invaded Belfast. If you haven't contributed, please consider doing so at www.justgiving.com/weirysbuffs. The page will close down at the end of the month!

Vorsprung durch Astra (the beer, not the car)!

Hand of Dog

Centre Forward or Full Forward?

The most recent instalment in the life of an aged ex footballer was played out at Lough Moss on Monday night. A dogged performance from the Bogman's selection saw them pull off an unlikely 0-0 draw. In the balmiest night of the year to date, players were sweating and panting like a team of Thai hookers trying to out run Girly Bhoy in the brightly lit streets of Pat Pong!

Pat Pong, where Girly Bhoy displays his wares

No goals but plenty to talk about. Cruncher O'Keefe looked like he had the number 9 shirt nailed down until this performance. He seemed to be confused by the pitch markings and consequently settled for the easy option - taking his points when he should have tried to beat Hendy in goal.


At the other end Ferryman too, forgot the code and Maradonaesque, attempted to hand pass to himself for the only goal of the game. Obviously ruled out but not without complaint from the Monaghan man who cried about it all the way home (not to Monaghan but it felt far enough).


So, next week's game is cancelled due to lack of able bodies but tune in for the news of what Girly got up to (or just up) on tour. Remember, "What goes on tour................ gets reported on the blog!"


Dogs                Swine


Bogman           Noel
Sean                Fuzz
Marty               Jack
Girly                 Jolinho
Ferryman         Lorenzo
Texas               Wee Fuzz
Jim                   Cruncher
Hendy              Gaz
The Don           Magic

Marathon Men

Father and Son

A twelve goal thriller on marathon day saw the Bog's selection triumph over the tired team of mad dentists. To be fair, the difference between the teams was the superior speed, guile and poise of Bogman Junior as he zipped around the field of play to the consternation of the weary opposition who quickly raced into a three goal deficit which was always going to prove difficult to make up.


The evening was not a complete disaster for the vanquished as both Cruncher and Girly Bhoy got on the score sheet, but the question remains, "Has Cruncher done enough to displace McKenna from the starting eleven in Germany?" thus earning himself a nice new number 9 shirt. As talk of Germany was on everybody's lips, the good news is that we have enough tickets for the final St Pauli game of the season, but only two individuals prepared to drive to the airport for the 0650 departure. Remember that it is your responsibility to get there at least 90 minutes prior to departure and, as we are travelling as a group, any latecomers will affect the passage of the rest through duty free which will not be open to Culchie.


Ron Manager has drawn up the rooming list and has, unselfishly, placed himself with Girly Bhoy in light of his attempt to sabotage our last departure from Germany as he spent two hours in the bathroom cleaning his vitals with a toothbrush. Culchie does not want to miss the opportunity for duty free jager bombs on the return leg of his first international match and as the baby of the group, will be providing for all!
















Bog Men                  Muck Spreaders


Bog Man                  Ron Manager
Owen                       Jack/Culchie
Ferryman                 Girly Bhoy
Fuzz                         Wee Fuzz
The Don                   Texas
Jolinho                     Noel
Gaz                          Cruncher
Magic                       Marty
Sean                        Deeno

Bizarre Love Street Triangle

Legends and Sagas!

The inaugural Love Street Charity Cup, sponsored by Brian Kelly Solicitors (Did you trip over that dodgy kerbstone?) has been added to the Ulidia Trophy Cabinet after Sunday's match saw the Ormeau Road outfit run out 2-1 winners in a tightly contested game with Inst Legends. It took a penalty from McKenna to separate the sides but, on the day, the real winner was love, friendship, camaraderie and Action for Pulmonary Fibrosis. The purpose of the game was to raise awareness of the disease and simultaneously raise some money for the charity. Our own goalie, who is a sufferer of the disease was there to present the trophy and join in the general mayhem that ensues after these matches. As expected, there was a bigger than normal crowd of well wishers who cheered on both teams but were especially impressed by the dancing feet of Conor O'Keefe who dived dramatically to win the penalty that ended up the difference between the teams. Conor was frustrated again at his inability to get onto the score sheet but he can be satisfied that he ended up on the winning team for once.


Some good performances from the blind stopper and the makeshift keeper built the platform from which the rest of the team took confidence as they carried the game to the opposition. Inst decided to dispense with formal positions and revert to total football but unfortunately this approach backfired when the team of liberos conceded early doors. A smart strike from Ferryman beat the young keeper who was caught cold. There were chances for both teams to add to the tally but as half time beckoned the only score was from the flute band who played a selection of Weiry's fireside favourites.


Referee Maxi blew for the start of the second half and at once Inst pressed forward looking for the elusive equaliser. However, when the breakthrough came it was for Ulidia and the penalty decision that swung the game. Conor paid Maxi and Paddy Power paid Brian Kelly as McKenna slotted home from the spot. A late consolation for Inst's lone striker, Gordy, meant the game went over 2.5 goals and some respectability was earned.

Weiry, Willie and John McKenna photobomb!

The fundraising page is still live at www.justgiving.com/weirysbuffs so please have a look and cough up if you haven't already done so. There are lots more photos on the charity page so it is worth a visit even if you have already contributed. I am also pleased to report that Weiry has been added to the waiting list for a new buff which could mean that he may be back on his line next year if everything falls into place. Without doubt yesterday was a huge success and I would like to thank everyone who attended or who has contributed to the fundraising total thus far. We have almost passed £6000 which, as was pointed out on the charity page, almost exceeds the financial budget of a club the size of St. Mirren, although it would not approach Girly Bhoy's Hamburg sex budget! Again, the said sex tourist was conspicuous by his absence as he saves his pennies for the upcoming bonanza of depravity. Look out ladies!

Caught by The Fuzz

Look out, look out when Fuzz is about!

Another welcome return to the PEC for the travelling minstrel of Ulidia. Wearing enough body armour for a medieval jousting tournament, the Black Knight assumed his role of medieval dynamo with consummate ease, spraying the ball around like an arterial spurt from a femoral laceration. It was a good thing that he came prepared as the Neo Nazi McFlynn went full throttle on mass extermination with trailing feet, leaving the Black Knight with a reminder of what it is like at the PEC. The absence of Hallion Moore left a gaping hole which McFlynn felt obliged to fill, thus freeing up another spot on Sunday's team due to wreaking havoc with his own players.


Bogman and Culchie linked well when they could get the ball off Texas, while Vince and Sean ably supported the strike force from behind where Girly Bhoy longed to be! Unfortunately, Girly was on the other team. He did his best to get behind the ball but was oft found wanting when he was daydreaming of life in Taiwan.


On to Sunday, when most of the PEC squad will turn out at Ulidia for the Love Street Charity Cup, sponsored by Brian Kelly Solicitors (Have you been involved in an accident recently?). The opposition are Inst Legends who don't know what they've let themselves in for. Remember to get your wallets out and donate at www.justgiving.com/weirysbuffs. A big turnout is expected on Sunday so get there early.


Cops                     Robbers

Ron                       Sean
Gaz                       Culchie
Fuzz                      Bogman
Girly Bhoy             Marty
Rory                      Texas
Noel                      Vincent

Return of the Mac

Let's be Frank!

At our age, it's not common for football comebacks to be successful. More often the trapped sciatic nerve or the recurring dodgy hamstring put paid to a serious long term run, but Frank McKenna might be the exception that proves the rule as, on his return, he galloped to and fro like one of the nascent spring lambs in the nearby Castlereagh Hills. Despite the spring in his step, there was no answer to the pressing onslaught of the Bogman's selection. The choice of Hendy in goal might have been the difference between the sides as he saved everything that Ron Manager's wards could muster.

More importantly, both teams completed the trial without succumbing to injury although Marty "Bite yer Legs" McFlynn did try to secure his team selection with a late challenge on tricky Deeno and Magic was concerned about a high foot as he has the upcoming photo shoot in mind and didn't fancy a bloody nose. Girly Bhoy was absent as he has been resting in anticipation of his star striking role - he is taking advice from Arthur Scargill.

This being the last intra squad game before the Weiry Love Street Charity Cup which takes place this Sunday 24th April - the real centenary of the 1916 Rising, Ron will be putting the finishing touches to his team selection. Bribes were in evidence but there is no doubt that squad rotation will be necessary on the day as the opposition have admitted that they have an average age in the thirties which gives them a significant advantage. The point of the game is to raise money for the Pulmonary Fibrosis charity so, in effect, nobody loses. The game will kick off at 1.30pm (after the centenary parade) and food and drinks will be available afterwards in the Big House. It is worth mentioning that the cup has been sponsored by Brian Kelly Solicitors (no claim too small) of the Ormeau Road and Brian will be available for injury consultations after the match. If you haven't put your hand in your pockets yet, and you know who you are, please do at www.justgiving.com/weirysbuffs.

Enough said, let's make Sunday a proper celebration, centenary or not!

Lions       3 - 0       Lambs

Hendy                    Ron

Bogman                 Frank

The Don(1)            Tank

McFlynn                 Noel

Sean                      Deeno

Texas(1)                Lorenzo

Ferryman               Jolinho

Ultan                      Fuzz

Magic(1)                Gaz

Drawing Down the Moon

More like barking at the moon



It's not often that indoor football ends in a draw but that's what happened at the PEC in this most recent clash of the titans. Prof Pete led his gladiatorial machine from the back while Girly Bhoy motivated his bravehearts from the rear - the usual entry point for his particular coital favourite. Never let him be called a corn grinder although that's what is intimated on his homepage.


Exciting, attacking football played by both teams. First one team went on the charge only to be pegged back and overrun by the opposing team. In the end a draw was probably the right result.


Apologies for the brevity of this report but I am in demand elsewhere shortly but thought you needed reminded of the www.justgiving.com/weirysbuufs fundraising page. Already in excess of £2500 and with donations coming from all corners including the rich and famous, you should be embarrassed if you do not contribute. Girly Bhoy will come after you - that's what he says he always does with his ladies!


Gladiators                          Bravehearts


Shirlow                                Jason
Sean                                    Culchie
Rory                                     Willie
Bogman                               Noel
Hallion                                 Sweeney
Texas                                  Girly Bhoy

Back to Basics

One hat but two hat tricks!

Welcome back to the Ulidia blog after an enforced lay off due to work, injury and holidays! Holidays are better than injuries and injuries are definitely better than work since an injury often leads to a break from work for recuperation! Monday's game saw two fit teams of oul lads with no necessity to call on young pups to make up the numbers. An attritional game of one half ensued with one team embarrassed by the quality displayed by the opposition.


Ron Manager's selection relied on simple passing football with no place for fancy dribbling (Deeno), shooting from distance (Culchie) or negativity (Conor, who drew another blank). Kev's selection looked to  nimble feet (Magic) and powerhouse bully boy tactics (Ultan - he's gonna kill me!) to overrun the hard working class heroes of Mr Smyth. True, Girly Bhoy would not qualify for Ron's team since he has never had a job but a career in the pornographic film industry beckons after he demonstrated the monster balls between his legs during the match - normally referred to as a nutmeg!


Two hat tricks and goals from Deeno and Jim "Tank" Sheridan completed the rout. It's indeed back to the drawing board for Kev and his team who failed to find the net.


On a more serious note, it is poignant to mention that the international tour is just over a month away and more lodgements to the tour kitty are imminently due. Ron Manager will be in touch. Additionally, a final warm up game has been arranged for 24th April against Inst Legends at Ulidia. This game has also been chosen as our big charity fundraiser for the season with all proceeds going to Action for Pulmonary Fibrosis since our long standing goalkeeping philosopher mate, Weiry, finds himself in the market for a new set of buffs! We are expecting a huge turn-out for this game and you will find more details at https://www.justgiving.com/weirysbuffs where you can also make a donation. Please pass this link on to friends and family and do what you can to make this a big occasion. I will continue to remind you until you have coughed up!


Heroes                          Zeroes


Ron                               Kev
Marty                            Ultan
Jolinho                          Lorenzo
Tank (1)                        Ferryman
Deeno (1)                     The Don
Culchie (3)                    Girly Bhoy
Noel (3)                         Magic
Conor (0)                      Texas
Fuzz                              Sean

UDA at the Lough

Ulidia Defence Athletes won the Monday night big match. Step-over Joe playing left back, with the oldest man on the pitch Marty at right back, and my fine self playing keeper sweeper. Kevin's team all forgot their shooting boots and didn't get a look in!

Kevin looked a beaten man, his eyes bloodshot, his hair matted with sweat and a painful grimace etched on his face. It's the hardest I have ever seen him push his team, and he looked sooooo tired at the end of this hammering 4:2.

Kevin's two strikers Mark and Mark (mark, mark, mark, mark) sounded like two dogs barking at one another all night and just couldn't get into the match thanks to the UDA. On top of that Girly Bhoy had a spectacular moment in the left corner when he received the ball and juggled it from the ground to knee up to his head and then smacked it out of play! Looked like he picked up a bad case of the clap with all that twitching about.

Goal of the night goes to Gary, the technique of what a leader Klinsman comes to mind. It was indeed an intense physical game and you could see Magic has been working on that body weight, last week he was a kick in the arse off 14st, but last night he looked like his old self. Well done Magic!

As people get older they tend to run longer distance, their fast-twitch muscle fibres used to running sprints and short distances, become less efficient and with age and experience they develop the mental aptitude to push themselves harder!

Just saying, love Hendie xx Happy Easter everyone, I'm away off on a cruise.....

PS. sincere thanks to Ron Manager for continuing to bring us all together week in and week out, mucho appreciated.

PPS. To all Hamburg bound players, watch MOTD FFS, pass and push!!

Danske Bank 2 - 0 Ulidia Masters

Denmark (the Isthmus north of Germany)

Ulster (the 9 counties in the north of Ireland)



On consecutive Sundays, the men of Ulster (check the meaning of Ulidia, non Irish speakers) have taken to the battlefield to defend the honour of their infamous name by kicking a ball around a patch of green. The most recent outing pitched the boys in green against the blue boys of Danske Band, ably mustered by Davy "Chopper" Harris. This nomenclature has more to do with a former Chelsea full back than the size of Davy's manhood! The venue was the new 4G pitch at Knockbreda, a jolly fine setting for a Sunday afternoon kick about.


Both teams started tentatively with neither keeper called to make a save early doors. The evenly matched sides continued in the same vein until Ulidia pushed up for a corner. The ball bounced at the feet of makeshift striker, Stevie Mitchell, who connected but his shot went wide to the relief of the Danske Courtois. Minutes later, a sweet through ball from Mitch gave Mad Jack Anderson the opportunity to open his account but his shot hit the post, while at the other end, Kieran "The Cat" Connolly pulled off a couple of great saves during the half to ensure honours were even at half time.


Squad rotation at half time and a relatively positive team talk from Ron Manager looked to settle the nerves and press for the elusive goal, however, Danske and in particular, Scottie the Marathon Man, had other ideas. A looping cross cum shot swirled into the Ulidia net off the post and the Danish pastry lovers were in heaven. An end to end game ensued and it was the Danes who profited again when Johnny Glover got a nosebleed in the opposition box and the ball bounced off his head and into the gaping Ulidia net. 2-0 to the Norsemen. And so it would remain despite Ron reshuffling his pack.


The post match inquiry in the Knockbreda club, concluded that, despite the result, this was an improved performance from the Ulidia boys. Possession stats were up from the last game as were shots, corners and tackles won. The goals scored stat was down but this could be ignored in the absence of a recognised striker. A couple more games before the Hamburg international to get the balance in the team about right. Magic showed some concern about who he might be rooming with on tour when it was suggested he should look after Girly Bhoy. His worries abated when it was pointed out that Girly will spend very little time in his bedroom but will spend a load of euros in the bedrooms of the Hamburg professionals of the Rieperbahn!


Roll on Hamburg, roll off Girly Bhoy!

Geisha Girls

On Girly Bhoy's contact list

Thursday at the PEC and midfield maestros Girly Bhoy and the Prof were spraying the ball around like the make up sprayed on one of the Eastern geisha girls for whom the Girly Bhoy has such a huge affinity, if not such a huge appendage. The quality demonstrated would not have looked out of place on the beaches of Rio where the ball is sprayed around as generously as Barry Manilow's golden tan. And that was something on display from Culchie who has completed his rehab in Dubai but was unable to get on the end of the bullet passes from his exalted team mates. Perhaps a week at the Copacabana would have yielded better results.Fortunately there was no recurrence of the injury that precipitated his lengthy lay off and he is looking forward to a season full of goals and love.


Young, up and coming starlet, Jason, confirmed that he knows nothing about football and hence has fallen into the Leeds United supporting trap of his elders - on the back of this performance he could be getting a game for them soon. His strike partner Rory implied that he was on strike but I think he meant on top form, a bit like Messi in a Lurgan Celtic shirt. That wouldn't be messy though, that would be plain dirty and that describes Trevor's performance. Hereinafter he shall be referred to as Hallion! This is the gospel according to Kevin and every good boy deserves fudge so he is reserving a morsel for Girly who I am reliably informed enjoys packing some rum and raisin.


This might have been El Gringo's swansong as he is swanning off down Mexico way soon. Back to the senoritas and the tequila that have made him the player he is. Buen suerte amigo.


Sumos              Geishas            
           
Shirlow              Kevin
Noel                  Rory
Gringo              Jason
Hallion              Girly Bhoy
Culchie             Tom
Gaz                  Sweeney

Like watching Brazil

Jolinho refuses to be chastised

After a weekend packed full of action for the men of Ulidia (especially Girly Bhoy who had a date with Destiny, a Jamaican hooker who paints her toenails with a toothbrush inserted in his rectum), Lough Moss was the setting for a display of skill and flair not seen since Ron Atkinson invented the term "lollipop" for the infamous Jolinho stepover. It could be argued that he was taking advantage of the sorry state of those who had turned out for the Orangefield friendly on Sunday, but there is no denying that the big man turned it on, netting a brace and showing his satisfaction in the manner most appropriate to the North Belfast native - see photo!


There were certainly some tired legs and spurious injuries in evidence so perhaps Ron Manager should follow the example of Jose Mourinho and add to the limited resources available for regular selection. eg Where was Brian Kelly? Mad Jack Anderson? Culchie? Girly Bhoy? Well, we know where he tends to be!


The young men also featured on the scoresheet and Ferryman would be most disappointed if I didn't mention his full volley rocket which gave the keeper no chance. The game was also memorable for the glaring goalkeeping error which made Magic look like he was still hungover from Saturday.


Before going to press, I was reminded that the orange team were one bib short and might have had an extra man therefore. If anyone can remember who, please put it in the comments. Whoever it was must have had a quiet game!


Brazil Nuts                      Monkey Nuts


Marty                                Kevin
Noel                                 Conor
Owen (2)                          Eoan (2)
Jim                                   Hendy
Deeno                              Gaz
Ferryman (2)                    The Don
Tom                                  Ultan
Fuzz                                 Lorenzo
Jolinho (2)                        Magic

Orangefield Crocks 1 - 1 Ulidia Masters

Orangefield - strip sponsored by Guinness

Ulidia - strip sponsored by Crème de Menthe

When this game was arranged, the management had not been aware that March 6th was Mother's Day of Rest and consequently finding eleven players (read bodies) each presented a minor problem. A few favours had to called in to get the requisite 22 on the pitch, but at 1.30pm, Stand-In referee, Ron Manager blew the whistle and the game was live - covered by Fuzz Sports Action Photography.


Playing left to right, Ulidia began a fluid passing game attempting to string two passes in a row. Playing right to left, Orangefield began a fluid passing game attempting to string more than two passes in a row. It was exciting stuff. Defences held firm but the game started to go away from Ulidia in the midfield where Magic and Hendy were finding it difficult to shake off the over indulgence of Saturday night. McCoy and Kevin were outnumbered and Orangefield took control. Blind Willie and Stevie Mitchell looked secure at the heart of the defence but a set piece pinball experiment gave Andy Waring the opportunity to open Orangefield's account with a deft looping header. To be fair, it was less than Orangefield deserved.


Half time stats gave Orangefield the advantage in possession, shots on target, shots off target, passing accuracy and ability to turn without having a dizzy spell. Ron Manager was very unhappy but mostly because he didn't enjoy his refereeing duties and wanted to start a fight with anyone who questioned his decisions.


The second half kicked off and a similar pattern ensued. Divine intervention created a force field directly in front of the Ulidia goal repelling all attempts to double Orangefield's advantage. Kieran Connolly's normally secure hands grew to Pat Jennings' proportions and nothing got past the cat like keeper. Then, with five minutes remaining, the unlikely chance of an equaliser loomed ominous for steady McCoy who lobbed the ball over the advancing Orangefield replacement keeper. It was get out of jail and the Ulidia unbeaten run stretches to over a year.


Thank you to Orangefield for the post match hospitality at Cregagh Sports Club. The match analysis (over a couple of pints) suggested that Girly Bhoy's absence may have been instrumental in engineering the under strength performance of the boys in green. A Girly Bhoy return to the dressing room is essential to instil the confidence that was missing for this match. We need to be regaled with the Captain Pugwash tall tales of riding the wave of mutilation because at least he gives us a laugh!


Watch this space for details of the rematch!


Oranges                     Lemons


Jock                            The Cat
Crusty                         Noel
Doc                             Willie
Burnsy                        Stevie
Skip                            Kieran
Mike                           Hendy
Mark                           Magic
George                       Paul
Tony                           Kevin
Rodney                       Ultan
Keekus                       Duck
Andy                           Gaz
Hendy                         Marty
                                   Sean
                                   Tom
                                   Wee Fuzz
                                   Fra