UDA at the Lough

Ulidia Defence Athletes won the Monday night big match. Step-over Joe playing left back, with the oldest man on the pitch Marty at right back, and my fine self playing keeper sweeper. Kevin's team all forgot their shooting boots and didn't get a look in!

Kevin looked a beaten man, his eyes bloodshot, his hair matted with sweat and a painful grimace etched on his face. It's the hardest I have ever seen him push his team, and he looked sooooo tired at the end of this hammering 4:2.

Kevin's two strikers Mark and Mark (mark, mark, mark, mark) sounded like two dogs barking at one another all night and just couldn't get into the match thanks to the UDA. On top of that Girly Bhoy had a spectacular moment in the left corner when he received the ball and juggled it from the ground to knee up to his head and then smacked it out of play! Looked like he picked up a bad case of the clap with all that twitching about.

Goal of the night goes to Gary, the technique of what a leader Klinsman comes to mind. It was indeed an intense physical game and you could see Magic has been working on that body weight, last week he was a kick in the arse off 14st, but last night he looked like his old self. Well done Magic!

As people get older they tend to run longer distance, their fast-twitch muscle fibres used to running sprints and short distances, become less efficient and with age and experience they develop the mental aptitude to push themselves harder!

Just saying, love Hendie xx Happy Easter everyone, I'm away off on a cruise.....

PS. sincere thanks to Ron Manager for continuing to bring us all together week in and week out, mucho appreciated.

PPS. To all Hamburg bound players, watch MOTD FFS, pass and push!!

Danske Bank 2 - 0 Ulidia Masters

Denmark (the Isthmus north of Germany)

Ulster (the 9 counties in the north of Ireland)



On consecutive Sundays, the men of Ulster (check the meaning of Ulidia, non Irish speakers) have taken to the battlefield to defend the honour of their infamous name by kicking a ball around a patch of green. The most recent outing pitched the boys in green against the blue boys of Danske Band, ably mustered by Davy "Chopper" Harris. This nomenclature has more to do with a former Chelsea full back than the size of Davy's manhood! The venue was the new 4G pitch at Knockbreda, a jolly fine setting for a Sunday afternoon kick about.


Both teams started tentatively with neither keeper called to make a save early doors. The evenly matched sides continued in the same vein until Ulidia pushed up for a corner. The ball bounced at the feet of makeshift striker, Stevie Mitchell, who connected but his shot went wide to the relief of the Danske Courtois. Minutes later, a sweet through ball from Mitch gave Mad Jack Anderson the opportunity to open his account but his shot hit the post, while at the other end, Kieran "The Cat" Connolly pulled off a couple of great saves during the half to ensure honours were even at half time.


Squad rotation at half time and a relatively positive team talk from Ron Manager looked to settle the nerves and press for the elusive goal, however, Danske and in particular, Scottie the Marathon Man, had other ideas. A looping cross cum shot swirled into the Ulidia net off the post and the Danish pastry lovers were in heaven. An end to end game ensued and it was the Danes who profited again when Johnny Glover got a nosebleed in the opposition box and the ball bounced off his head and into the gaping Ulidia net. 2-0 to the Norsemen. And so it would remain despite Ron reshuffling his pack.


The post match inquiry in the Knockbreda club, concluded that, despite the result, this was an improved performance from the Ulidia boys. Possession stats were up from the last game as were shots, corners and tackles won. The goals scored stat was down but this could be ignored in the absence of a recognised striker. A couple more games before the Hamburg international to get the balance in the team about right. Magic showed some concern about who he might be rooming with on tour when it was suggested he should look after Girly Bhoy. His worries abated when it was pointed out that Girly will spend very little time in his bedroom but will spend a load of euros in the bedrooms of the Hamburg professionals of the Rieperbahn!


Roll on Hamburg, roll off Girly Bhoy!

Geisha Girls

On Girly Bhoy's contact list

Thursday at the PEC and midfield maestros Girly Bhoy and the Prof were spraying the ball around like the make up sprayed on one of the Eastern geisha girls for whom the Girly Bhoy has such a huge affinity, if not such a huge appendage. The quality demonstrated would not have looked out of place on the beaches of Rio where the ball is sprayed around as generously as Barry Manilow's golden tan. And that was something on display from Culchie who has completed his rehab in Dubai but was unable to get on the end of the bullet passes from his exalted team mates. Perhaps a week at the Copacabana would have yielded better results.Fortunately there was no recurrence of the injury that precipitated his lengthy lay off and he is looking forward to a season full of goals and love.


Young, up and coming starlet, Jason, confirmed that he knows nothing about football and hence has fallen into the Leeds United supporting trap of his elders - on the back of this performance he could be getting a game for them soon. His strike partner Rory implied that he was on strike but I think he meant on top form, a bit like Messi in a Lurgan Celtic shirt. That wouldn't be messy though, that would be plain dirty and that describes Trevor's performance. Hereinafter he shall be referred to as Hallion! This is the gospel according to Kevin and every good boy deserves fudge so he is reserving a morsel for Girly who I am reliably informed enjoys packing some rum and raisin.


This might have been El Gringo's swansong as he is swanning off down Mexico way soon. Back to the senoritas and the tequila that have made him the player he is. Buen suerte amigo.


Sumos              Geishas            
           
Shirlow              Kevin
Noel                  Rory
Gringo              Jason
Hallion              Girly Bhoy
Culchie             Tom
Gaz                  Sweeney

Like watching Brazil

Jolinho refuses to be chastised

After a weekend packed full of action for the men of Ulidia (especially Girly Bhoy who had a date with Destiny, a Jamaican hooker who paints her toenails with a toothbrush inserted in his rectum), Lough Moss was the setting for a display of skill and flair not seen since Ron Atkinson invented the term "lollipop" for the infamous Jolinho stepover. It could be argued that he was taking advantage of the sorry state of those who had turned out for the Orangefield friendly on Sunday, but there is no denying that the big man turned it on, netting a brace and showing his satisfaction in the manner most appropriate to the North Belfast native - see photo!


There were certainly some tired legs and spurious injuries in evidence so perhaps Ron Manager should follow the example of Jose Mourinho and add to the limited resources available for regular selection. eg Where was Brian Kelly? Mad Jack Anderson? Culchie? Girly Bhoy? Well, we know where he tends to be!


The young men also featured on the scoresheet and Ferryman would be most disappointed if I didn't mention his full volley rocket which gave the keeper no chance. The game was also memorable for the glaring goalkeeping error which made Magic look like he was still hungover from Saturday.


Before going to press, I was reminded that the orange team were one bib short and might have had an extra man therefore. If anyone can remember who, please put it in the comments. Whoever it was must have had a quiet game!


Brazil Nuts                      Monkey Nuts


Marty                                Kevin
Noel                                 Conor
Owen (2)                          Eoan (2)
Jim                                   Hendy
Deeno                              Gaz
Ferryman (2)                    The Don
Tom                                  Ultan
Fuzz                                 Lorenzo
Jolinho (2)                        Magic

Orangefield Crocks 1 - 1 Ulidia Masters

Orangefield - strip sponsored by Guinness

Ulidia - strip sponsored by Crème de Menthe

When this game was arranged, the management had not been aware that March 6th was Mother's Day of Rest and consequently finding eleven players (read bodies) each presented a minor problem. A few favours had to called in to get the requisite 22 on the pitch, but at 1.30pm, Stand-In referee, Ron Manager blew the whistle and the game was live - covered by Fuzz Sports Action Photography.


Playing left to right, Ulidia began a fluid passing game attempting to string two passes in a row. Playing right to left, Orangefield began a fluid passing game attempting to string more than two passes in a row. It was exciting stuff. Defences held firm but the game started to go away from Ulidia in the midfield where Magic and Hendy were finding it difficult to shake off the over indulgence of Saturday night. McCoy and Kevin were outnumbered and Orangefield took control. Blind Willie and Stevie Mitchell looked secure at the heart of the defence but a set piece pinball experiment gave Andy Waring the opportunity to open Orangefield's account with a deft looping header. To be fair, it was less than Orangefield deserved.


Half time stats gave Orangefield the advantage in possession, shots on target, shots off target, passing accuracy and ability to turn without having a dizzy spell. Ron Manager was very unhappy but mostly because he didn't enjoy his refereeing duties and wanted to start a fight with anyone who questioned his decisions.


The second half kicked off and a similar pattern ensued. Divine intervention created a force field directly in front of the Ulidia goal repelling all attempts to double Orangefield's advantage. Kieran Connolly's normally secure hands grew to Pat Jennings' proportions and nothing got past the cat like keeper. Then, with five minutes remaining, the unlikely chance of an equaliser loomed ominous for steady McCoy who lobbed the ball over the advancing Orangefield replacement keeper. It was get out of jail and the Ulidia unbeaten run stretches to over a year.


Thank you to Orangefield for the post match hospitality at Cregagh Sports Club. The match analysis (over a couple of pints) suggested that Girly Bhoy's absence may have been instrumental in engineering the under strength performance of the boys in green. A Girly Bhoy return to the dressing room is essential to instil the confidence that was missing for this match. We need to be regaled with the Captain Pugwash tall tales of riding the wave of mutilation because at least he gives us a laugh!


Watch this space for details of the rematch!


Oranges                     Lemons


Jock                            The Cat
Crusty                         Noel
Doc                             Willie
Burnsy                        Stevie
Skip                            Kieran
Mike                           Hendy
Mark                           Magic
George                       Paul
Tony                           Kevin
Rodney                       Ultan
Keekus                       Duck
Andy                           Gaz
Hendy                         Marty
                                   Sean
                                   Tom
                                   Wee Fuzz
                                   Fra

The Sweeney

The Demon Barber of Ulidia

Thursday's action at Queen's was unique in that it witnessed the oldest footballing debut in history. Sweeney McFlynn turned out for Blind Willie's team and certainly left his mark - a six inch contusion just above Kev's ankle. A scoring debut too as the visually afflicted selection ran out winners on the day. Sweeney (name attributable to his new profession in the ground maintenance sector) celebrated with a lock of pints in the Errigle, leading Ron Manager astray and as result, he is grounded for the weekend!


A slow start to the proceedings as both teams got the measure of each other, it took Diarmuid "The Duckman" Brankin to break the deadlock tripping over a sliderule pass from the Blind team captain to settle the nerves. It was a thrilling return to the PEC for the big Farmer who loves to entertain the teams with his persistent Colemanballs commentary. Like Girly Bhoy, he likes to score, but there the similarity ends. The Duckman will only partake of thoroughbred Irish ladies and has a particular penchant for County Antrim descendants of Finn McCool. Girly's love of ladies from the East does not inspire the Duckman although he has entered into protracted discussions with the Chinese restauranteurs of the country with regard to his salted duck egg product. A mighty aphrodisiac, Girly Bhoy is pushing the sale of these on his Taiwanese TV show - " Working for the Yankee Dollar".


Unfortunately the injury list continues to grow ahead of Sunday's Mother's Day Challenge Match. I hope the mothers are up to it! A serious injury to Girly required an overnight stay in a private medical institution where he was attended to by some fine Philippino professionals. He is expected to make a full recovery but his acting career is on hold until his wound heals!


Barbers                   Hairdressers


Sweeney                  Kevin
Willie                        Rory
Noel                         Vincent
Duckman                 Tom
Trevor                      Gaz
Marty                       Sean

March of the Lions

Thumbs up for Magic - not a lot!

I was reminded this fine day that we have reached the cusp of Spring and March is upon us - thank you Mark. There is a proverb of sorts that says March "comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb". This analogy could be applied to the teams performances on the last day of February as the lions of Kev's team leapt over Ron's lambs.


Excuses could be made for the slaughtered lambs (Ron, Sean and Noel all carrying injuries) and Nazi Gaz out to add to those injuries with his gung ho approach to subtlety. However, there was no answer to the fancy footwork of Magic McCloskey as he danced through the ailing plodders to bring a ray of light to this darkest of nights at Lough Moss.


Girly Bhoy found himself on the winning team but I fear to report that he was unable to score, his Grinder account having been shut down due to overuse. He is hoping to tackle some yummy mummies when he visits Benedict's on Mother's day while the rest of us attempt to play in the Orangefield Challenge match at Aquinas, 1.30 kick off. The string of injured players are expected to support what is left on the pitch with tea and scones available post match at Cregagh Sports Club where beer is also on offer at rock bottom prices!


Finally, apologies to Ultan whose name I have spelt incorrectly since day one. It is not often that I find myself apologising to Ultan but since he is a giant, I thought it best to make this correction public before he had another chance to kick me up and down Lough Moss like a ball of old socks!




Lions                  Lambs


Kev (1)               Ron
Owen (2)            Sean (1)
Conor (1)           Noel (1)
Girly Bhoy          Hendy
Marty                  Wee Fuzz (1)
Gazi (2)              Jim
Joe                     Ferryman
Ultan (1)             Deeno