In the news

Professor Jack Anderson, Arbitrator - my arse



In the news this week, our own Jack Anderson, known to us all as the midfielder and reliable hatchetman with the dodgy Limerick accent. However, you may not have been aware that Jack is an important man in the halls of FIFA amongst others. Yes, unbelievably, the fiery ginger brings a level of calm to the world of international sport but when he plays with his mates, he expresses himself in the most appropriate manner suited to the situation. Hence his nickname, Mad Jack!


Below you will find an excerpt from the article that announced Jack's new role to the world.


A professor from Queen's University in Belfast as been appointed to the Court of Arbitration for Sport in Switzerland - the first person based in the north ever to be given a role at the body.
Limerick man Professor Jack Anderson, from Queen’s School of Law, will be among arbitrators who will hear disputes referred from all the main global sporting bodies, including FIFA, the IAAF and the International Olympic Committee.
Professor Anderson is recognised globally as an expert in the study of match-fixing in sport.
He is also the editor-in-chief of leading periodical, International Sports Law Journal, and secretary of the GAA's disputes resolution authority.


With Professor Peter Shirlow and Mad Jack, regular players at the PEC, we should expect a degree of love and reconciliation to be the overriding factor on the pitch, but testosterone usually gets the upper hand until the final whistle.


Unfortunately Mad Jack was unable to make football this week due to other commitments - work that out yourselves! He was sorely missed in a tight game at the PEC as was Girly, still cavorting with the LGBT community of Lanzarote. There were no losers in this match although one team did score more goals than the other. The winner was undoubtedly football, the beautiful game, played in the spirit that Mad Jack has taught us. If there was a stand out performance, it probably came from Geno the geriatric lunatic between the posts.


Team 1                                    Team 2


Sean                                        John "Ron"
Rory                                         Willie
Kev                                          Trev
Marty                                        Vincent
Nigel                                         Gary
Geno                                        Noel


Finally, in the spirit of good will, we would all like to congratulate Jack on his new appointment as we would positively encourage peace, love and understanding in all walks of life. As Jack embarks on this new phase in his journey, I urge him to remember the lyric made famous by Elvis,


As I walk through
This wicked world
Searching for light in the darkness of insanity.

I ask myself
Is all hope lost?
Is there only pain and hatred, and misery?

And each time I feel like this inside,
There's one thing I wanna know:
What's so funny about peace, love & understanding?




Jack, our hero, our inspiration, we love you!

Steady the Ship

A rare smile from Ron Manager



Injuries to Culchie (ingrowing charisma), and Girly Bhoy (tripped over his hard-on) saw the return of Lorenzo and John "Ron" Manager to the Monday night game. After last week's one sided epic, the pre match team talk encouraged the players to consider a less flamboyant approach - keep the ball and shove it up the jumper. Forget about scoring goals, park the bus, retain possession and catch them on the break. Ron Manager barked instructions to his team as he assumed the sweeper keeper role for which he is renowned on the Ormeau Road and, in the main, most players complied.


Unfortunately, complicity does not sit well with Ferryman who once again sprang the opposition's valiant defence to open the scoring early doors. However, the goals did not flow like they did last week and although there were further chances for the swashbuckling striker, he had to content himself with the single bulge in the onion bag! Indeed, there were chances for an equaliser with the Don, Texas and tragic Magic coming close but they could not unlock the double bolted defence well marshalled by Marty and Gaz who has reconstructed himself as a defender. In the post match interview, he intimated that he is hoping to challenge for the central spot vacated by Willie and his wee brother when he plies them with jagermeister before the Hamburg international.


As the game idled toward a 1-0 conclusion, it fell to Fuzz to light up the proceedings with a subtle display of genuinely nimble footwork, before hammering the ball home past the onrushing keeper. The fact that Lough Moss had decided to switch off half of the floodlights may have given him a slight advantage. Then, at the final whistle, the arena was plunged into total darkness. Hands fumbled for keys and wallets while Conor played on, looking for that elusive goal that would get him on the scoreboard, where he belongs. Who can forget the string of goals that the big hitman has notched up down the years? Well, not Conor anyway! If he did manage to score, it wasn't a goal.

Gaz acts surprised at his MOTM award



A Skype link to Girly Bhoy in a brothel in Lanzarote demonstrated that he hadn't, in fact, tripped over his dangling appendage although his companion, a young Asian transvestite, did look somewhat perturbed at the suggestion.




THE TEAMS (Goals in brackets)


Winners                              Runners-Up


Ferryman (1)                        Ciaran
Joe                                       Tom
Fuzz (1)                                Conor
Jim                                       Deeno
Gary                                     Altan
Lorenzo                                Magic
Geno                                    Sean
Marty                                    John
Noel                                      Kevin

Attempted Murder at Queen's PEC

Ready, aim, hit the post!



Thursday's game was a close affair. Goals came thick and fast, but the day was marred by the tragic near fatal injury to star striker, Culchie Mark. As the final whistle beckoned, Culchie was felled by a rogue sniper concealed behind the massed supporters in the viewing gallery.




An investigation ensued and it subsequently transpired that the ghost of Lee Harvey Oswald had been popping at Culchie most of the afternoon. When Girly was exorcised of the same spirit, an unfortunate spectator became the vessel through which the ghost would exact it's hideous revenge on the innocent Culchie. Lying prostrate on the field of play, the medics were summoned but there was little they could do. Culchie was led to a seat at the side of the pitch where he was forced to watch the denouement of the game where his team ended up being soundly beaten. During the final minutes of the game Girly seemed even less interested than usual as he lingered ever closer to the injured star in the vain hope of some tactical advice on how to woo a lady.




As quickly as the injury occurred, the wound miraculously healed. Trevor gaped in awe at the ghost of Padre Pio who guided Culchie to his parked Nissan Micra. Assuming the wings of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the stricken former footballer departed for the football field in the sky.




In the meantime, Willie played on, scoring a hat trick on his own!






Winners                          Losers


Willie                               Culchie
Noel                                 Trevor
Marty                               Gary
Rory                                 Nigel
Vincent                            Girly Bhoy
Sean                                Geno

Who paid the Ferryman?

Charon (Carron) at the gates of Hell

Noel's Selection  9 - 2  Kevin's Dejection

If you have logged in to read the match report for Lough Moss, January 18th, you have come to the right place. If you were hoping for news of Girly Bhoy's most recent sexploits you have also come to the right place. If you were hoping for news of a thrilling, close encounter on the pitch, you should look elsewhere as this was the most one-sided match in recent history, at least in terms of the score.


In the absence of John "Ron" Manager, it was left to Kev and yours truly to select the teams. There is a method to this and tonight, Culchie, Deeno and Geno all arrived late (actually they were on time, but everybody else was early) after team selection had begun and there was, consequently, some skewing in player choices.


Man of the Match had to be awarded to Mark "The Ferryman" Carron who said he was not passing at all, but shooting (to kill) on sight. This he did, scoring the first three goals of the match and trying to score more at every opportunity. He should have gone into goal after number 3, but Geno had sore hair and was not for coming out (again!). The other Mark, Culchie got on the end of a couple, a brace too for Fuzz and one each for Gaz and Jimbo. Consolations for the "Don" and Texas rounded off the score which looked more like a GAA football result than a proper football score.



That's my ball, by the way!



THE TEAMS (Goals in brackets)


Selection                              Dejection


Ferryman (3)                        Ciaran (1)
Culchie (2)                            Tom (1)
Fuzz (2)                                Conor (0)
Jim (1)                                  Deeno
Gary (1)                                Altan
Girly Bhoy                            Magic (-1)
Geno                                    Sean
Marty                                    Joe
Noel                                      Kevin






It should be noted that Girly was on the winning team and celebrated by making love to a beautiful Chinese lady from Mersey Street. Full of Eastern promise and full of shite!

Obituary

Normally, an obituary signals the death or end of an era, a life or a time, but not always - like now.
My good friend, lover (not mine, but he is one) and unplayable centre half, Willie "The Hatchet" posted the following link to his football mates last week.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/thinking-man/goodbye-my-five-a-side-friend-i-wont-forget-our-strange-and-spec/

He tagged it with the line, "Read it and weep", which prompted a succession of return emails, each echoing the sentiment of the article.

There are, no doubt, millions of middle aged men like us who weekly, or more often, parade their silky skills on the 5-a-side courts and pitches of the world. However this is a relatively new phenomenon as it did not exist amongst earlier generations of football fans and amateur players. For example, my oul lad who has dedicated most of his life to football administration and general miserableness hasn't kicked a ball since breaking his leg in the colours of Chelsea at the ripe old age of 22. These days that would be unthinkable. Injuries are a hazard and a nuisance but not an insurmountable obstacle. We all get them and we all get over them.

So, as a result of reading the piece it has been decided that it would be a good idea to record some of what goes on in our own football world and see how long before we all meet, out of our football finery, on that first, final day of judgement. Therefore, from next week, match reports will be available at this address. Goal scorers and assists will be noted (except when McKenna is involved) and perhaps awards will be made. There will be interviews with the key men and news from the dressing room, unavailable elsewhere e.g. Who is Girly Bhoy screwing this week. You know it makes sense.

So, for today, I will leave you with a question. Whatever happened to Len Cantello? Answers in the comment section please.

The poor man's Tony Currie