Return of the Girly Bhoy

Hi girls, I'm free and looking for love!

Almost two months into this reportage and the most common topic has been the sexploits of Girly Bhoy in his quest for the perfect Asian babe with realistic pubic hair. Not being a man to deny himself the opportunity for random rendezvous', Girly was keen to have it out there that he is now available for love 'n' stuff. His business is your pleasure and your pleasure is his pleasure (read that twice!). The reason for this state of stasis is that Girly (a Malone Road resident by the way) has now been without a regular female companion for more than a week and his vast inheritance is burning a hole in the lining of his Saville Row dexter. He wants you Ting Tong. So reach him via the comments section below and get down on it!


This enforced sexual retirement has allowed the left sided winger to wreak havoc on the park since he now has a surfeit of energy formerly wasted experimenting up to page 229 of the Kama Sutra. Thursday at the PEC was a revelation to all present. That normally child like first touch (so admired by the Philippine ladies) had gone, to be replaced by the mature first touch, (a particular affection of the ladies of Laos) demonstrated as he volleyed his team into an early lead with a left foot toe normally reserved for the Thai girls. Even his period between the posts was remarkable in that he almost managed to keep a clean sheet and clean sheets are not commonplace in the brothels frequented by Girly. My favourite is the tale of Ho Chi Minh Lil and her unfoldable linen.


It was true that there had been some late withdrawals from this match. A huge loss was Blind Willie who got lost in the car park and Gringo Niall who heard that Girly Bhoy was back. Professor Shirlow attended as he was required in Belfast to negotiate a new financial agreement between former combatants and Brian Kelly as he forges his first centenary commemorative coin (currently only legal tender on the Ormeau Road).


As we go to press the latest news suggests that Girly spent a restless night chasing a nineteen year old overseas student around the car park of the King's Head. The young scholar, a penniless refugee, had stolen Girly's kebab but Girly only wanted to give him the sour cream dip!


Men                     Bhoys


Sean                    Girly Bhoy
Noel                     Kev
Shirlow                Ron
Conor                  Trevor
Jason                   Marty
Gary                     Rory

Cup Draw

Two legs bad, four legs good!

The end of FA Cup weekend saw the first draw of the year at Lough Moss and in true Orwellian tradition, there were animalistic (Altanimal!) performances all round the park.


The recent introduction of the Owen/Eoan partnership has encouraged some of the players to work harder given the gulf in years, but this is a positive according to some sources eg. Conor did get back to do some defending on this outing. However, as Conor himself has pointed out, when a player has the gift that he has, why waste it in defence? He did get on the score sheet last night with an early strike that left Ron Manager rooted to his reeboks. An equaliser from young Fuzz looked to have settled the nerves of team Ron but this was only a momentary lapse of calm. Young Lavery took the bull by the tail and wiggled it about scoring two quick goals to give Dad's team what seemed like a comfortable lead. Not so. An unstoppable half volley from Sean "Bullet Boots" Doran and a back post header from another team player levelled the match.


The game was hindered by the sliding temperatures at Lough Moss which made for slippery conditions underfoot. This did not affect Girly Bhoy who prefers it slippery (and wet too!). Unfortunately he didn't score on the pitch but informed the team Doctor that this was due to a recurrence of his swelling "Red Hand" syndrome brought on by the appearance of the orange headwear pictured above. And we thought it was Mandarins that gave him a swollen member!


Red Men  3-3   Orange Men


Ron                    Kevin
Ferryman           Owen (2)
Deeno                Conor (1)
Jim                     Tom
Noel (1)              Gaz
Eoan (1)             Girly Bhoy
Sean (1)             Joe
Hendy                Marty
Lorenzo             Altan

In the mood for Dancing

Head Nolan packs the team dresses

A bruising encounter on Thursday at the PEC saw Vincent and the Villains upset the peace by rolling the applecart that was the Nolans' Select. With three Nolans in one team, it looked like a one sided game from the off. Young Conor assumed the midfield destroyer role and immediately felled Blind Willie with a bullet to the midriff. El Gringo opened his legs, Alberto Juantareno style, to show the onlookers his class and had no trouble in netting a couple. Nazi Gaz playacted his way to impress the man in the middle but there was no man in the middle so he back heeled impressively to extend the 70's disco team's lead. With the flair available to Vincent's villains ably kicked and chopped by Trevor and Ron, it looked grim until Willie found his contact lens previously dislodged by Conor, the Jackal.

Realising that a passing game was the only way to tire out the dancing sisters, the villains of the PEC did just that. Goals came from all parts of the pitch but the pick of the bunch was an OG from Nazi Gaz when he intercepted his wee lad's phone to monitor his text messages. Consequently he is going to the pictures with a young lady from North Belfast. He fancies Quentin Tarantino but she fancies wee Tom so it looks like "The Hateful Masturbate" is on the cards.

News from the Girly Bhoy indicates that he was an extra in the said movie and wants to tell Gaz how it ends, but the Gazi knows it ends in a bunker on the Limestone Road. Girly Bhoy was hoping for a bunk up since he has been celibate since Wednesday but would settle for a wank so he is going to the pictures on his own.

Sisters         Brothers

Sean            Willie
Niall              Kev
Conor           Noel
Trevor          Jason
Ron              Rory
Gaz              Vincent

Woodwork at the Lough

The BFB, Big Friendly Boozer, Phileas Fogg McKnight is off on one of his many foreign trips (school teachers underpaid my arse!) , so the blogging baton has been passed to my fine self to report on Monday night's shenanigans FFS.

Ron Manager must have won the toss, and got in there first selecting Willie and myself, Kevin didn't look a happy man at all.

Player spotlight falls on Willie, who just came from the beauticians, not a body hair in sight! Willie plays Soccer not just on Monday but Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays and Sunday, he really is a hairless pro! And played like one on Monday night, he had Kevin in his pocket.

Kevin ran out 3-2winners, how I don't know? Ron's team with Connor leading the attack hit the woodwork no less than 4 times. Connor couldn't score in a whorehouse on a Saturday night, that's left to Girly Bhoy.
I do believe Connor thinks he will self-combust if he comes back over the halfway line.

Good news lads, life expectancy has increased for males from 75 to 87! This is great news as I see a lot of potential in this squad.if we can just hold the team together for the next twenty years. This must be super news for Marty, another 10 years! Whoop whoop.

Til Monday night, keep on kicking.



2.                                       3
Ron.   90                          Kevin. 54
Eamonn 53.                   Girly Bhoy 57
Hendy 55.                        Lorenzo 54
Connor. 47.                     Ciaran 57
Mark 42.                           Texas Tom 61
Jim 55.                              Fuzz Jr.  18
Owen 21.                          Ultan Towers 49

Vuelto del Gringo

El Gringo and his new club mascot

It's close season in Mexico and like Hugo Sanchez before him, El Gringo Nolan has returned to his home patch with tales of derring do to outstrip the bold exploits of Girly Bhoy and the packer from the banana plantation in Guatemala. So enthralled were his fellow players on Thursday at the PEC, that no one got close to the galloping goal getter as he scored with his first touch. It's true that Niall always brings a touch of class when he is available, but with six months training at altitude to support his undoubted natural ability, it required a finely timed kung fu kick from Blind Willie to bring the wandering Aengus back to earth.

Having brought a level of stability to the proceedings, the game ebbed and flowed like a calm sea on an evening guarded by a gibbous moon. With no sign of Girly Bhoy, to darken the mood, both teams tried to play a neat passing game to rival the heyday of Marty McKenna's Rosario tour team of 2010. However, living up to that standard required more than the size 10 scythe of Trevor the Chopper so it fell to Tipperary Nigel to provide the neat back heel into the path of Marty "109 to 108"  Mulholland who gladly accepted the invitation to add another notch to his football bedpost.

The talk in the showers was of the injured Culchie, sadly missing since the assassination attempt some weeks ago. Girly Bhoy has offered his services as a bodyguard when the stricken striker struggles back to his starting spot. Not sure how that's going to work but I have heard that a Colombiana  "reina bandida"  has been sharing caring at Casa Girly Bhoy!

Mezcaleros                  Teguila 
                                     Slammers

Niall                             John
Sean                            Jason
Trevor                           Kevin
Marty                            Noel
Vincent                         Nigel
Rory                             Willie

Impressive Youth Policy

Wee Fuzz - My Dad is my hero!



With Storm Imogen wreaking havoc across the country, it took the enforced introduction of Wee Fuzz (Young Eoan to his mum) to bring his own brand of chaos to Lough Moss. The young starlet has grown up watching the dazzling displays of Big Fuzz from the sidelines and it was only a matter of time before this study of perfection would translate to the pitch.


Big Fuzz had to make an early exit from the game through injury (broke a nail) and so it was left to the other family member to take the game by the scruff of the ankle. A hat trick hero for one team before a free transfer (due to more players dropping like Girly Bhoy's ladies panties) allowed the talented newcomer to score at both ends - something Girly Bhoy fantasizes about.


It should be noted that Ferryman was also a late withdrawal (another Girly Bhoy fantasy) as he couldn't get his new astroturf shoes broken in on time, despite wearing them to bed and kicking Mrs Ferryman during the REM period of sleep when he was on a hat trick. In a rare moment of compassion, Ron Manager is not banning the Ferryman as is normal procedure in these circumstances, since he is breaking in a new pair of legs himself - mine! Hendy also asked to be selected for the losing team as he is demanding retribution, having been unfairly congratulated for the standard of his culinary skills - still no comparison to his close ball control.


Big Fuzz                            Wee Fuzz
Supermuff                         Supertough


Ron                                     Wee Fuzz (4)
Big Fuzz (og)                      Noel
Marty                                  Ciaran (2)
Hendy (69)                          Kev
Deeno                                 Girly Bhoy
Gary                                    Lorenzo
Tom                                     Magic
Conor                                  Sean
Jim                                      Altan


Next week, your travelling reporter is on a scouting trip and so the responsibility for the update passes to Hendy!


















Peace in Our Time

Professor Peter Shirlow - Hello Ladies!

Thursday saw the return of the absent (not minded) Professor Pete to the PEC. Having established himself as the "Go To" person in the search for peace and equality in our land, the big target man made himself just that, especially when a well known local politician labelled the firebrand centre forward, "The most dangerous man in Ireland". Not wishing to be a "target", Pete removed himself from the local battlefield to take up arms elsewhere. On his infrequent visits to the PEC, he is ushered in under the cloak of Sean (the shepherd of men) and escorted out by whoever he hasn't wound up on the day. On Thursday, he was compelled to leave on his own.


On the pitch, love and the spirit of Good Friday reigned supreme. In an end to end game of thrills, Willie scored the pick of the bunch and thanked Hendy for the delightful through ball before he realised that Hendy was, in fact, at home making the dinner. Blind Willie needs to take up blues guitar. But, Hendy is a great cook!


No space for the return of Girly Bhoy (there is no pitch big enough) and his tales of wanderlust, or lust anyway.


Sean's Sheep           Pete's Pistols


Sean                          Willie
Nigel                          Noel
Gary                          Marty
Trevor                        Rory
Kevin                         Pete
John                          Tom

A Bag of Wind

A storm brews at Lough Moss



Arriving at Lough Moss for the Monday night game, we were informed that the wind turbine had to be switched off as it was too windy. I love that sort of crap. Unfortunately, the same level of crapness crept into the match as it was played in gale force winds. Trying to keep the ball on the ground is not always possible. When it reached head height, Storm Henry took control and even Girly's slide rule, cross field, incisive passes went astray - or maybe that was what he intended? Certainly, Girly Bhoy's week of warm weather training in Club La Santa, has not yielded the intended results that Ron Manager had hoped for - unless he was hoping to be regaled with an array of stories featuring the after hours antics of Girly Bhoy with the transgender population of Lanzarote. The story of his reunion with the Colombian pigmy did make me laugh though. She still had his phone number after all these years. Well, she still had his phone!


Perhaps I am being a little too critical of the standard of play. My own performance was piss poor as a direct consequence of the "Hell and Back" absurdity of the previous day. So what excuses are allowed for the rest of the squad?


Willie - blind
Hendy - hen-pecked
Tom - old
Jim - wrong shoes
Marty - wrong feet
Gary - carrying an injury
Kevin - carrying Gary
Ron - too angry
Altan - too tall
Girly Bhoy - Girly Bhoy
Lorenzo - wrong sport
Ciaran - just wrong
Conor - nobody to pass to
Ferryman - missed the boat
Joe - on the boat
The rest - bent double laughing at the rest


So, not one to live long in the memory, but as it is recorded here, it will be difficult to forget.


Came First                       Came Second


Willie (2)                             Ciaran (1)
Kev (1)                               Owen (1)
Gaz (1)                               Tom (1)
Ferryman                            Marty
Joe                                      Noel
Lorenzo                               Ron
Hendy                                 Jim
Altan                                   Conor
Sean                                   Girly Bhoy


If you think you scored but it hasn't been recorded, you could be right. However, rest assured it was not goal of the season as I have forgotten already.