Orangefield Crocks 1 - 1 Ulidia Masters

Orangefield - strip sponsored by Guinness

Ulidia - strip sponsored by Crème de Menthe

When this game was arranged, the management had not been aware that March 6th was Mother's Day of Rest and consequently finding eleven players (read bodies) each presented a minor problem. A few favours had to called in to get the requisite 22 on the pitch, but at 1.30pm, Stand-In referee, Ron Manager blew the whistle and the game was live - covered by Fuzz Sports Action Photography.


Playing left to right, Ulidia began a fluid passing game attempting to string two passes in a row. Playing right to left, Orangefield began a fluid passing game attempting to string more than two passes in a row. It was exciting stuff. Defences held firm but the game started to go away from Ulidia in the midfield where Magic and Hendy were finding it difficult to shake off the over indulgence of Saturday night. McCoy and Kevin were outnumbered and Orangefield took control. Blind Willie and Stevie Mitchell looked secure at the heart of the defence but a set piece pinball experiment gave Andy Waring the opportunity to open Orangefield's account with a deft looping header. To be fair, it was less than Orangefield deserved.


Half time stats gave Orangefield the advantage in possession, shots on target, shots off target, passing accuracy and ability to turn without having a dizzy spell. Ron Manager was very unhappy but mostly because he didn't enjoy his refereeing duties and wanted to start a fight with anyone who questioned his decisions.


The second half kicked off and a similar pattern ensued. Divine intervention created a force field directly in front of the Ulidia goal repelling all attempts to double Orangefield's advantage. Kieran Connolly's normally secure hands grew to Pat Jennings' proportions and nothing got past the cat like keeper. Then, with five minutes remaining, the unlikely chance of an equaliser loomed ominous for steady McCoy who lobbed the ball over the advancing Orangefield replacement keeper. It was get out of jail and the Ulidia unbeaten run stretches to over a year.


Thank you to Orangefield for the post match hospitality at Cregagh Sports Club. The match analysis (over a couple of pints) suggested that Girly Bhoy's absence may have been instrumental in engineering the under strength performance of the boys in green. A Girly Bhoy return to the dressing room is essential to instil the confidence that was missing for this match. We need to be regaled with the Captain Pugwash tall tales of riding the wave of mutilation because at least he gives us a laugh!


Watch this space for details of the rematch!


Oranges                     Lemons


Jock                            The Cat
Crusty                         Noel
Doc                             Willie
Burnsy                        Stevie
Skip                            Kieran
Mike                           Hendy
Mark                           Magic
George                       Paul
Tony                           Kevin
Rodney                       Ultan
Keekus                       Duck
Andy                           Gaz
Hendy                         Marty
                                   Sean
                                   Tom
                                   Wee Fuzz
                                   Fra

The Sweeney

The Demon Barber of Ulidia

Thursday's action at Queen's was unique in that it witnessed the oldest footballing debut in history. Sweeney McFlynn turned out for Blind Willie's team and certainly left his mark - a six inch contusion just above Kev's ankle. A scoring debut too as the visually afflicted selection ran out winners on the day. Sweeney (name attributable to his new profession in the ground maintenance sector) celebrated with a lock of pints in the Errigle, leading Ron Manager astray and as result, he is grounded for the weekend!


A slow start to the proceedings as both teams got the measure of each other, it took Diarmuid "The Duckman" Brankin to break the deadlock tripping over a sliderule pass from the Blind team captain to settle the nerves. It was a thrilling return to the PEC for the big Farmer who loves to entertain the teams with his persistent Colemanballs commentary. Like Girly Bhoy, he likes to score, but there the similarity ends. The Duckman will only partake of thoroughbred Irish ladies and has a particular penchant for County Antrim descendants of Finn McCool. Girly's love of ladies from the East does not inspire the Duckman although he has entered into protracted discussions with the Chinese restauranteurs of the country with regard to his salted duck egg product. A mighty aphrodisiac, Girly Bhoy is pushing the sale of these on his Taiwanese TV show - " Working for the Yankee Dollar".


Unfortunately the injury list continues to grow ahead of Sunday's Mother's Day Challenge Match. I hope the mothers are up to it! A serious injury to Girly required an overnight stay in a private medical institution where he was attended to by some fine Philippino professionals. He is expected to make a full recovery but his acting career is on hold until his wound heals!


Barbers                   Hairdressers


Sweeney                  Kevin
Willie                        Rory
Noel                         Vincent
Duckman                 Tom
Trevor                      Gaz
Marty                       Sean

March of the Lions

Thumbs up for Magic - not a lot!

I was reminded this fine day that we have reached the cusp of Spring and March is upon us - thank you Mark. There is a proverb of sorts that says March "comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb". This analogy could be applied to the teams performances on the last day of February as the lions of Kev's team leapt over Ron's lambs.


Excuses could be made for the slaughtered lambs (Ron, Sean and Noel all carrying injuries) and Nazi Gaz out to add to those injuries with his gung ho approach to subtlety. However, there was no answer to the fancy footwork of Magic McCloskey as he danced through the ailing plodders to bring a ray of light to this darkest of nights at Lough Moss.


Girly Bhoy found himself on the winning team but I fear to report that he was unable to score, his Grinder account having been shut down due to overuse. He is hoping to tackle some yummy mummies when he visits Benedict's on Mother's day while the rest of us attempt to play in the Orangefield Challenge match at Aquinas, 1.30 kick off. The string of injured players are expected to support what is left on the pitch with tea and scones available post match at Cregagh Sports Club where beer is also on offer at rock bottom prices!


Finally, apologies to Ultan whose name I have spelt incorrectly since day one. It is not often that I find myself apologising to Ultan but since he is a giant, I thought it best to make this correction public before he had another chance to kick me up and down Lough Moss like a ball of old socks!




Lions                  Lambs


Kev (1)               Ron
Owen (2)            Sean (1)
Conor (1)           Noel (1)
Girly Bhoy          Hendy
Marty                  Wee Fuzz (1)
Gazi (2)              Jim
Joe                     Ferryman
Ultan (1)             Deeno

Return of the Girly Bhoy

Hi girls, I'm free and looking for love!

Almost two months into this reportage and the most common topic has been the sexploits of Girly Bhoy in his quest for the perfect Asian babe with realistic pubic hair. Not being a man to deny himself the opportunity for random rendezvous', Girly was keen to have it out there that he is now available for love 'n' stuff. His business is your pleasure and your pleasure is his pleasure (read that twice!). The reason for this state of stasis is that Girly (a Malone Road resident by the way) has now been without a regular female companion for more than a week and his vast inheritance is burning a hole in the lining of his Saville Row dexter. He wants you Ting Tong. So reach him via the comments section below and get down on it!


This enforced sexual retirement has allowed the left sided winger to wreak havoc on the park since he now has a surfeit of energy formerly wasted experimenting up to page 229 of the Kama Sutra. Thursday at the PEC was a revelation to all present. That normally child like first touch (so admired by the Philippine ladies) had gone, to be replaced by the mature first touch, (a particular affection of the ladies of Laos) demonstrated as he volleyed his team into an early lead with a left foot toe normally reserved for the Thai girls. Even his period between the posts was remarkable in that he almost managed to keep a clean sheet and clean sheets are not commonplace in the brothels frequented by Girly. My favourite is the tale of Ho Chi Minh Lil and her unfoldable linen.


It was true that there had been some late withdrawals from this match. A huge loss was Blind Willie who got lost in the car park and Gringo Niall who heard that Girly Bhoy was back. Professor Shirlow attended as he was required in Belfast to negotiate a new financial agreement between former combatants and Brian Kelly as he forges his first centenary commemorative coin (currently only legal tender on the Ormeau Road).


As we go to press the latest news suggests that Girly spent a restless night chasing a nineteen year old overseas student around the car park of the King's Head. The young scholar, a penniless refugee, had stolen Girly's kebab but Girly only wanted to give him the sour cream dip!


Men                     Bhoys


Sean                    Girly Bhoy
Noel                     Kev
Shirlow                Ron
Conor                  Trevor
Jason                   Marty
Gary                     Rory

Cup Draw

Two legs bad, four legs good!

The end of FA Cup weekend saw the first draw of the year at Lough Moss and in true Orwellian tradition, there were animalistic (Altanimal!) performances all round the park.


The recent introduction of the Owen/Eoan partnership has encouraged some of the players to work harder given the gulf in years, but this is a positive according to some sources eg. Conor did get back to do some defending on this outing. However, as Conor himself has pointed out, when a player has the gift that he has, why waste it in defence? He did get on the score sheet last night with an early strike that left Ron Manager rooted to his reeboks. An equaliser from young Fuzz looked to have settled the nerves of team Ron but this was only a momentary lapse of calm. Young Lavery took the bull by the tail and wiggled it about scoring two quick goals to give Dad's team what seemed like a comfortable lead. Not so. An unstoppable half volley from Sean "Bullet Boots" Doran and a back post header from another team player levelled the match.


The game was hindered by the sliding temperatures at Lough Moss which made for slippery conditions underfoot. This did not affect Girly Bhoy who prefers it slippery (and wet too!). Unfortunately he didn't score on the pitch but informed the team Doctor that this was due to a recurrence of his swelling "Red Hand" syndrome brought on by the appearance of the orange headwear pictured above. And we thought it was Mandarins that gave him a swollen member!


Red Men  3-3   Orange Men


Ron                    Kevin
Ferryman           Owen (2)
Deeno                Conor (1)
Jim                     Tom
Noel (1)              Gaz
Eoan (1)             Girly Bhoy
Sean (1)             Joe
Hendy                Marty
Lorenzo             Altan

In the mood for Dancing

Head Nolan packs the team dresses

A bruising encounter on Thursday at the PEC saw Vincent and the Villains upset the peace by rolling the applecart that was the Nolans' Select. With three Nolans in one team, it looked like a one sided game from the off. Young Conor assumed the midfield destroyer role and immediately felled Blind Willie with a bullet to the midriff. El Gringo opened his legs, Alberto Juantareno style, to show the onlookers his class and had no trouble in netting a couple. Nazi Gaz playacted his way to impress the man in the middle but there was no man in the middle so he back heeled impressively to extend the 70's disco team's lead. With the flair available to Vincent's villains ably kicked and chopped by Trevor and Ron, it looked grim until Willie found his contact lens previously dislodged by Conor, the Jackal.

Realising that a passing game was the only way to tire out the dancing sisters, the villains of the PEC did just that. Goals came from all parts of the pitch but the pick of the bunch was an OG from Nazi Gaz when he intercepted his wee lad's phone to monitor his text messages. Consequently he is going to the pictures with a young lady from North Belfast. He fancies Quentin Tarantino but she fancies wee Tom so it looks like "The Hateful Masturbate" is on the cards.

News from the Girly Bhoy indicates that he was an extra in the said movie and wants to tell Gaz how it ends, but the Gazi knows it ends in a bunker on the Limestone Road. Girly Bhoy was hoping for a bunk up since he has been celibate since Wednesday but would settle for a wank so he is going to the pictures on his own.

Sisters         Brothers

Sean            Willie
Niall              Kev
Conor           Noel
Trevor          Jason
Ron              Rory
Gaz              Vincent

Woodwork at the Lough

The BFB, Big Friendly Boozer, Phileas Fogg McKnight is off on one of his many foreign trips (school teachers underpaid my arse!) , so the blogging baton has been passed to my fine self to report on Monday night's shenanigans FFS.

Ron Manager must have won the toss, and got in there first selecting Willie and myself, Kevin didn't look a happy man at all.

Player spotlight falls on Willie, who just came from the beauticians, not a body hair in sight! Willie plays Soccer not just on Monday but Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays and Sunday, he really is a hairless pro! And played like one on Monday night, he had Kevin in his pocket.

Kevin ran out 3-2winners, how I don't know? Ron's team with Connor leading the attack hit the woodwork no less than 4 times. Connor couldn't score in a whorehouse on a Saturday night, that's left to Girly Bhoy.
I do believe Connor thinks he will self-combust if he comes back over the halfway line.

Good news lads, life expectancy has increased for males from 75 to 87! This is great news as I see a lot of potential in this squad.if we can just hold the team together for the next twenty years. This must be super news for Marty, another 10 years! Whoop whoop.

Til Monday night, keep on kicking.



2.                                       3
Ron.   90                          Kevin. 54
Eamonn 53.                   Girly Bhoy 57
Hendy 55.                        Lorenzo 54
Connor. 47.                     Ciaran 57
Mark 42.                           Texas Tom 61
Jim 55.                              Fuzz Jr.  18
Owen 21.                          Ultan Towers 49