Vintage People

We still prefer a night at Lough Moss to a night at the opera

At weddings, birthdays, christenings and barmitzvahs, men (and women) of a certain vintage cast away their inhibitions when the DJ cues the opening salvo of YMCA by the Village People. Who, of this generation (we can't include Culchie here) can honestly deny that they have flaunted their funky stuff at the behest of someone slightly less sober at the table where they have been idling away the hours with small talk and questions about who in the room you both know? Quite often, the call to arms by the motorcycle cop is a good excuse to move on but not until you have tripped over a selection of handbags, discarded coats and drunk uncles.


I only bring this up as last night we celebrated the ongoing maturation of our own "young men" as two of our number were inaugurated into the sexagenarian (nothing to do with sex) branch of Ulidia. Yes, Jolinho and Texas were awarded the long service medal and celebrated in style with a presentation pitchside from Ron Manager. Long gone are the halcyon days of Maysfield Leisure Centre when the same gentlemen played in different teams, but in the spirit of friendship and love, differences were set aside with the abandonment of the aforementioned venue and together they have forged a path for good. No doubt Jolinho will be practicing his famed stepover on the pitches of Belfast and beyond (Hamburg) for many years to come but don't ask him who won the Eurovision Song Contest. Texas will continue to be baffled by the mystery that is Girly Bhoy, his street fighting prowess and love for ladies with very low morals. I will continue to enjoy their company as of course will the rest of our extended football family. Congratulations lads!


Ron Manager did not divulge details of the evening's proceedings on the pitch but I can imagine! Girly Bhoy scored the winner in a thrilling end to end encounter leaving nothing on the pitch but his mark.


For those involved, please note that payment for the Armstrong Charity Formal on Saturday 26th November is now due. I will be sending round the street fighting team if you don't cough up. And everybody else www.justgiving.com/henryarmstrong

The Reign in Spain

Ron offers some tactical advice to Spain's number one fan, Manolo.

The summer recess is well and truly over. Girly Bhoy headed off to hookerland in seach of the elusive vine and Ron returned from the networking course in Valencia with some valuable contacts.

Your intrepid reporter has had to take enforced leave from the pitch for personal reasons but this has opened a space for the Ormeau Road's answer to Saul Goodman. A well-connected man with a colorful wardrobe and even more colorful sense of imagination (laser tag!), with a catch phrase that can't be beat - "If you want a new telly, better call Kelly!"

I have missed the craic and banter but hope that a podiatrist can get me back to where I belong;

1.  Before Girly Bhoy sells his wine empire and moves in with Ting Tong 22

2.  In time to see Cruncher score

3.  To see Deeno pass (wouldn't pass you a sandwich at a wake)

4.  To be reminded of the serenity of a Jolinho stepover

5.  To hear another rousing team talk from Ron Manager

6.  To suffer unbridled sectarian abuse from Lorenzo (and everybody else except Hendy maybe)

7.  To claim my goal of the season award

8.  To witness Magic display Gary Sprake like rationale in his time between the posts

9.  To see Culchie blast high and wide and call himself cultured?

10. To befriend Blind Willie and kick his stick

And a host of other reasons, but mostly involving sheep and beer and therefore not included here.

Don't forget Henry's justgiving page www.justgiving.com/henryarmstrong

Please contribute and leave a message .

See you all soon.

Bank Holiday Blues

The original "Sniffer"

Bank holidays are not renowned for throwing up exciting games at Lough Moss and, by and large, this August Bank Holiday was no exception. In the absence of Ron Manager, on an overseas talent scout, the teams lined out with Bogman going for all out attack with Cruncher and Culchie providing the firepower. Although one of the targetmen did eventually find the back of the net, their chances to goals ratio would not have impressed Ron. More impressive was Girly Bhoy's Taiwan shirt which got a second outing. He looked on form during the warm up too but alas he didn't manage to score, at least not on the pitch. Post match he left in a hurry as he had a Skype conference call with the Taiwan ladies who wanted to compare their recently received Christmas gifts. They got a set of ear rings between them and were hoping that Girly had another Groupon voucher for an extra set!


On the pitch, the Bog team led 1-0 through Ultan's arse and 2-1 through big Cruncher finishing a neat pass from the Culchie kid. Ferryman and Deeno evened up the game at 2-2 with only minutes left to play. The Bogman himself picked up the ball after another goalmouth scramble and made a neat pass to Sniffer wide on the left. Spying Cruncher and Culchie, ready to pounce, closer to the goal, there was only one option available to the footballing wizard - an outrageous chip from the half way line leaving Magic scrambling to get back on his line to deflect the goal bound wonder strike. Unfortunately too late and the massed throng gaped in awe as the ball nestled in the goal. 3-2 to the Bogmen and there was hardly time for a "By jove, I don't believe it", before the siren sounded signalling game over and the audacious goal was celebrated as far away as Valencia where the match was streamed to Manolo's bar where Ron scratched his head when he meant to scratch his arse.

So, school's back and lives return to normal but anyone who was there knows that there was something abnormal about the winning goal tonight. Almost supernatural, as if Ron was there in person willing his wards to win. Next week, Girly has promised to score a scissor kick and jump over the moon.

One more item - The Dessie Armstrong Charity Formal. We have filled 9 out of 10 places for this event. Frank and Weiry were the last two in - it has even been suggested that Weiry might speak on the evening. I hope so. If you think you might be interested, let me know ASAP. Henry has a justgiving page for the event, so if you can't go, make a donation and leave a Monday Night footballer message. The link is

www.justgiving.com/henryarmstrong

Cheers lads............. What a goal!


Bogmen                  Dogmen

Bogman                  Magic
Cruncher                 Ferryman
Culchie                   Jolinho
Sniffer                     Fuzz
Daddy                     Deeno
Ultan                       Gaz
Marty                      Mad Jack
Lorenzo                  Sean
Girly Bhoy              Tank

New Season

Reconstructed full forward

While many of you were settled in front of the box for a football disasterclass involving the cheating Brazilian Spaniard, real men (and Girly Bhoy) were gracing the hallowed turf that is Lough Moss for the start of the new season in the downward spiral of Monday Night football. Low numbers meant that two new signings made their debut - another O'Keefe, unfortunately responding to the nomenclature of Conor, but fortunately not blessed with the innate lack of anything that his namesake uncle has in abundance, and Ultan Towers Junior weighing in at 7 feet and 280 pounds, even more menacing than his gentle giant dad - see what I did there Ultan? Although the new lightweight Solicitor to the felons of the lower Ormeau had declared that he was available, Ron Manager refused to believe it and consequently he missed out on what could have been a frightening return to the theatre of nightmares.

Head Bogman went for experience in his selection and things started well. Spraying the ball around like a westie with an aerosol, reaped early rewards when Blind Willie (just back from a talent scouting mission to Sitges) got on the end of a long ball (something he has got to like since his trip) and slid it into Hendy's gaping onion bag. Such simple penetration brought tears to Willie's troubled eyes, or perhaps it was the onions on Hendy's team who left his goal unguarded! Hendy had something to say about it, but it was not, "Well done Big Willie". 

Goal number two followed quickly when the Blindman picked up the ball deep in his own half and weaved a pretty pattern through the knock-kneed opposition who could only look on in wonder as a slide rule pass picked out a galloping Sniffer who provided the assist that allowed Mad Jack to rip another hole in Hendy's bag. 2-0 and the game seemed to be slipping away from Ron Manager's wards. But not so.

It was left to the nimble footed Fuzz to inspire his comrades and in the style of his Maiden City compatriate, Eamon McCann, he declared war on the middle class midfield of the opposition by leading the way through hard work and endeavour. Putting his comrades before himself, he shone a bright light at a darkening stadium and his luminosity could not have been more blinding than when he drove a low shot through a pondering defence to halve the deficit.

We didn't have to wait long for the equalizer and a bizarre piece of goalkeeping from Fritz, the Magic Cat! Daddy O'Keefe struck a sweet shot from 30 yards which seemed to be gliding into the keeper's hands which he inadvertently forgot to take out of his pockets. Could be pocket billiards was more important than the incredulous looks from his team mates.

So, looking like a draw, Fuzz and his Derrymen retained possession but two glorious passes and a pinpoint cross from the socialist Steve Heighway led to the winner, a back post header from the biggest header on the pitch, Lorenzo. Ron was happy but his nerves were in pieces as Lorenzo, a solid defender, had reinvented himself as striker for the evening. Having said that it was a goal worthy of winning any game. The only person not applauding was Magic, who still had his hands in his pockets.

Many of the players, returning from holiday, were keen to hear what shenanigans Girly had been up to in the interim and nobody had any complaints as Girly modelled the latest addition to his extensive dandy wardrobe - a Taiwan ladies international shirt purloined from his latest conquest (and a jolly good fit she is too!)

The more sensational news of the close season is the injury time winner scored by Weiry after a very late deal in the transfer window. Yes, on 16th July, Weiry got himself a new set of buffs and so far so good. I have been in touch and whilst nothing is certain, the signs are good that his contract with Ulidia Masters will be extended. Consequently, we can look forward to more tirades of abuse from the fiery Scot for a wee while yet. In the meantime, I hope the heart is strong enough to handle another season of watching the "Buddies" and I don't mean the Belfast brigade!

Doire                Beal Feirste

Ron                   Bogman

Fuzz                  Sean

Daddy               Magic

Lorenzo            Blindman

O'Keefe            Towering Inferno

Hendy               Jolinho

Deeno               Sniffer

Marty                Mad Jack

Girly Bhoy

Football's Coming Home

Texas remembers the last time England won anything!

A tragic night for England and their media roadshow was welcomed at Lough Moss when the evening's hostilities were brought to a close at 10pm. Every player ran to their mobile phones for the result of Team England's latest unsuccessful foray into Europe or beyond. The second half display was, apparently, little better than a pub team and it is alleged that Henry Armstrong has already been on the phone to invite the English minnows to the Armstrong Charity Cup this Christmas  - they could be the opponents that Cromac might beat this year. With the excitement generated by this news, our own match paled into insignificance.


For the previous hour, the two teams were generally evenly matched. A goal each from Ferryman and Young Fuzz kept honours even until the O'Keefe brothers decided that sibling rivalry was more important than the outcome of the game. Cruncher reminded Feargal who was boss when it came to pugilism while Feargal displayed a remarkable talent for dancing as he jigged and high kicked sending Cruncher reeling. However, there was no hiding place for the big striker and picking on Girly Bhoy did not end well as Girly Bhoy's knowledge of the moves of an exotic dancer proved his saviour as he shimmied through the static legs of the forlorn goal getter (his slippery show may have had something to do with the lube he regularly employs before exercise).


As a result of this sideshow, Young Fuzz took advantage to complete his hat trick and Daddy Fuzz kept it in the family with a robust boot from 20 yards out. Blind Willie was distraught and agonised at the lack of penetration from his team mates, especially Girly whose acts of penetration are legendary, but not tonight.


Finally, it's good to be back up and running with the blog for another week before the summer break. This might be a good time to remind players that we have two tables to fill for the Dessie Armstrong Charity Formal on November 26th. This event raises funds for the Children's Hospice and is run by Henry Armstrong MBE, the long suffering charity fundraiser of the Ormeau Road. To date, he has raised in excess of £100,000 for the charities and recently made a substantial donation to our own fundraising this year for Weiry's Buffs. (Incidentally, the final total was almost £10,000 when gift aid was added so thanks again to everyone who contributed.) Five players are currently committed to this event (Marty, Kevin, Noel, Ron and Fuzz) but there is space for five more. These places will be allocated on a first come first served basis so please get back to me as a matter of urgency if you are interested. No payment is required before August but it would be useful to have the names of five more interested parties as soon as possible.


Brian Kelly, whose punting has him banned from Paddy Power, is backing Belgium for a first European Championship. Keep your money for the Armstrong Charity Formal is my advice.


Iceland                              Poundland


Bogman                             Blind Willie
Wee Fuzz                           Ferryman
Fuzz                                   Feargal
Cruncher                            Deeno
Jolinho                               Culchie
Marty                                 The Don
Gaz                                    Jack
Texas                                 Girly
Ultan                                   Noel

Rocky Road to Recovery

The Liquidator - "I will mess you up!"

Often have you heard it said, "He's a really nice bloke off the pitch". Generally, the assumption that one is inclined to make in light of this comment is that he must a complete bastard on the pitch! This, of course, is not universally applicable but as a rule of thumb it tends to be reasonably accurate - remember that lunatic who used to play at Maysfield and Declan O'Kane broke his wrist trying to kill him? The "Liquidator" or "Hallion" as was his alter ego in a previous incarnation is a really nice bloke off the pitch and the reason that you, dear reader, have been blogless this last couple of weeks. The recovery time for a badly bruised heel is much longer than I would have expected, but the older you get the longer is any recovery time. Girly Bhoy was only yesterday telling me that he can't get his breath back to make love more than once during a night of horizontal jogging so if he is struggling, what does that mean for us lesser mortals. To be fair, Girly's love sessions are legendary and, I believe, he only managed it once on tour but of this he cannot be sure - Ron reckoned he was awol at least twice and he couldn't have been lost in the lift on both occasions!


Fortunately, with the exception of Gaz, I have not been missed at our weekly football ritual (Gaz phoned to say that he missed me and my dazzling flair or was that hair?). Without the assists, the strikers have been quiet and goals have been few. Cruncher is still laughing at himself and Ferryman is laughing at Cruncher laughing at himself. I would like to report on some magnificent, post tour, end of season shenanigans but other than the usual antics of Girly Bhoy and his mogadon enriched insightful opinions, there is little to deliver.............
With the exception of one final reminder to contribute to the Weiry fund at www.justgiving.com/weirysbuffs. We have almost raised £7500 without the tax dividend so this has been a very successful exercise. I know some folk found it problematic when trying to access the page, so here is your last chance as I will be winding up the page next week.


I look forward to getting back in a week or so but in the meantime, go easy on the liquidator!

Glasshütte SV 1 - 1 Ulidia

Ulidia FC on tour (strip by Artigrass!)

The original purpose of the weekend in Hamburg was to reinforce our link with Glasshütte SV and at the same time bring the team together with a few beers and banter. There is no doubt that mission was well and truly accomplished and nobody died although there could yet be complications which could lead to premature death as an indirect result of 48 hours in Hamburg.



Magic looks happy with his stuka dive!





McKenna tells the paparazzi where to go!



Nerves were fraught before the game as Ron Manager insisted on no alcohol before or during the flight to Germany. It therefore came as a relief when big Rudi produced a case of beer before the game in an attempt to lull the opposition into a hyper relaxed mood. This plan backfired as it was just what was required to settle the anxiety that had been plaguing the Irish travellers.

Jolinho contemplates his outside bet of Australia for the Eurovision Song Contest

Blind Boy of Cullybackey dips into his illicit liquor stash!

Eventually, around 12 hours after leaving home, the game kicked off in earnest and the Belfast Betis were immediately on the back foot. Safe hands from Big Kevin (hands like shovels and feet like feet) settled the back four who contained the onslaught from the German Panzer division. The Blind Boys of Cullybackey were readying themselves for a gas attack when Sepp Maier lobbed one over the top to the feet of Magic McCloskey. Summoning up all his devilish flair, Magic ran straight at the shellshocked keeper who had no choice but to pull him to the ground. The referee eventually awarded the penalty after consultation with the Luftwaffe and, hey ho, it was jolly spiffingly fantastic to poke our noses in front when McKenna stepped up and dispatched the spot kick with all the aplomb of the rooftop sniper that he isn't.

 

A few changes were made on the pitch but the travelling team looked more likely to add to their tally before the half time whistle.The ceasefire allowed the home team the chance to regroup and reorganise themselves for a full scale attack in the second half.

The German changes had an immediate effect on the game and again the Ulidia goal was under siege. Wave after wave of Blitzkrieg attack were repelled but it was only a matter of time before the Germans got what they deserved. A pinball experiment in the Ulidia box ended up with the ball in the net and the Germans thought the Maginot Line had been breached. Ron manager had other ideas and fresh legs gave Ulidia a couple more chances to win the battle. A winner in the crossbar challenge, McKenna, thought he had stolen the lead when an adept left foot volley rebounded off the crossbar with the keeper beaten. Did he do enough to win "Man of the Match"? A split vote with Paul McCoy's considerable work in midfield proving the deciding factor.

Ron and Cruncher debate Girly Bhoy's contribution

Post match revelry in the Glassshutte club continued late into the night/morning on the Reeperbahn. Some bodies only arrived home in time to get up for the St Pauli match and some decided that they liked the hotel so much that they would spend most of the morning in the lift. Others chose the pavement outside as their preferred resting place for the late evening and some opted for the second floor corridor!

Dirk does not wear white sox!

The Jolly Roger was the pre St Pauli match venue and a fine establishment it is too. Celebrations continued into the night as St Pauli put five past Kaiserslautern.

Girly Bhoy dispels the myth!

The Hamburg team have indicated that they are going to put together another tour to these shores within a couple of years, so who knows, maybe a return to that corner of Schleswig Holstein is a possibility for Ulidia.

A final reminder that we are still fundraising for Weiry who was our goalkeeper when the Germans first invaded Belfast. If you haven't contributed, please consider doing so at www.justgiving.com/weirysbuffs. The page will close down at the end of the month!

Vorsprung durch Astra (the beer, not the car)!