Harvest Doom

Bad Moon Rising - Kev's new Serpico

The moon was very nearly full, so the mongrel werewolves of Belfast were out in force on a Monday night at Ulidia. A total of 23 players ( that term requires a significant dollop of poetic license) were present on the green, grassy astroturf of strained groin. For those of you who are mathematically challenged, that is more than enough bodies to make two 11 a side teams - seems strange that there is often a struggle to get a team out when a competitive match beckons!

Several noteworthies were missing - Fuzz (injured), Ultan (recording a new album), Texas (his wife has a cold), Paddy (looking for Latino love), Ciaran (washing his hair) and Girly Bhoy (looking for his hair) - so it is no mean feat to put that many men on the pitch on a Monday night especially with Germany on the telly. And Belgium.

On the subject of missing star performers, it should be noted that Girly Bhoy has succeeded in hospitalising himself after a record breaking (his choice of words) South East Asian fandango.It would appear that excessive use of viagra is not conducive to a healthy lifestyle, so it isn't, especially if you have a rare form of cancer like! Consequently Girly is recovering in 6 North in the City and is receiving visitors. He hopes to be back on the streets in time for his annual ride at "The Ladyboys of Bangkok", after Oktoberfest.

On the pitch, both teams created enough chances to make it a high scoring draw but a combination of poor finishing and good goalkeeping meant that the difference between the teams was Cruncher.

Werewolves 6 - 2 Wolfmen

Ron will be collating names for the Xmas Dinner on 14 December very soon. No deposit is required. However, it is impolite not to attend if you have previously agreed to be there. In such circumstances you will be required to pay for your meal. The advice is not to put your name down unless you are confident that you will be there. By order of Ron Manager

Culchie Shoots, Culchie Scores.............For Once

Ron Manager cracks one off - a smile that is!

As Culchie stands in a pool of sweat (and vomit) he is astounded by the insipid sincerity of the gaffer's grin. What has he let himself in for? Well, there's a stupid question Culchie. You should have thought of that when you introduced Christine to Desertmartin's finest. The recent fitness regime has helped in the shedding of two stones (no, I couldn't believe it either) but let's hope it's not the important ones next to your cock, which is, at last, visible to your own naked eye for the first time since 2010. Ron is now expecting you to track back a bit more often than your customary once per match for your stint in between the sticks.

The Monday night game has improved since the move to Ulidia in January - something to do with home advantage? No. Just a better surface for the undoubted flair players in our midst. I would propose, at this stage of the year, that we have already seen the goal of the season - a 35 yard screamer from Fuzz to open Monday's account. Goals from Culchie, Soupy and Ferryman looked to have sealed it for Ron's selection but the Bogman's bhoys hit back with another from Fuzz, Noel and the winner from an embarrassed  Hustie as he scored with his left tit. So, 4-3 on the night, but football was the real winner as Culchie left with his tear soaked shirt.

The young man's nuptials take place this Friday (read the date on the shirt) and we wish him all the best on his new journey (to hell and back). All readers of the blog are invited to help him celebrate with free Jagerbombs at Crumlin Road Gaol from 19.30 or thereabouts in the evening. If you would prefer semtex to the other type of bomb, please remember that Crumlin is no longer HMP but a fine dining establishment in the heart of cultural North Belfast.

Hope to see a big turn out from the squad. All the best to Mr and Mrs Higgins - the happy couple!

Seasonal End of Season

Has anyone seen my coat?

On Saturday last, the young men of Ulidia sallied forth into the relative unknown of a night out in the Fritz Lang metropolis that we know as Beal Feirste or "Small Northern Town". With the exception of the Culchie contingent, most of us call it "Home" and recall the days when it was Bomb City but the only bombs in evidence on Saturday were Jagerbombs in celebration of the original Culchie who was regrettably absent attending to a load of lambs in the oul fella's yoke that was stuck in a massive sheugh in Magherafelt!

A six o'clock start was not doable for Ireland's premier second hand car salesman who found himself without a driver. He was able to get his order in by phone and consequently, Soup and his soup arrived simultaneously, much to the dismay of Ron Manager who was waiting to sing Grace. Girly Bhoy was ready to join in on the second verse.

Having avoided compulsory heavy handed removal for disturbance of the peace, Ron Manager was more concerned with tearing up pieces of paper for the Player of the Year vote. His attempts at tearing up the bill were vetoed by Fuzz with a stern, "Mmm, I don't really think that's a good idea John". To be fair, Fuzz was preoccupied with the more important Secret Santa Awards and for those of you with hearing difficulty, short memories or Munchausen syndrome, here is a brief summary of those.

Goal of The Season

1 Cruncher (Fuzz felt sorry for him)
2 Kevin (He thought he should have won)

Miss of the Season

1 Ferryman (Thought he should have had goal of the season)
2 Stevie (Young Player of the Year but no category)

Neymar Award for Drama Queen

1 Tom (Goes down very easily..... apparently)
2 McKenna (He doth complain too much)

Gary Sprake Award for Worst Keeper

1 Magic (No contest)
2 Ciaran (Not as shite as Magic)

Pat Jennings Award for Top Keeper

1 Geordie (He likes to score but goalkeeping is good)
2 Soup (He likes to score but goalkeeping is goodish)

Stephen Ireland Award for Pathetic Excuses

1 Willie (He's not well)
2 Fuzz (I'm not well)

Justin Fashanu Award for Girliness

1 Girly (He's a Girly Bhoy)
2 Eoin (He like ladyboys (according to Geordie))

Canny Sloth Award for Walking Football Brilliance

1 Sean (Only when he's fit)
2 Jim (Only when he has the time)

Tommy Smith Award for the dirtiest bastard

1 Hatchet (say no more)
2 Ron (Hatchet's biggest fan)

Full Brazilian Baldy Fanny Award for football elegance

1 Jolinho (The Belfast Pele)
2 Paul (The Belfast Rivelino)

The Gola Award for Fancy Feet

1 Feargal (Faster feet than Girly's fingers)
2 Deeno (He works at fiddling full time)

Pope John Paul 2 Award for Least Catholic Behaviour

1 Noel (Football is not a religion)
2 Davy (Neither is Mormonism)


While there was a comedy aspect to this ceremony, there was also an element of truth. You be the judge.

The Player of the Year was awarded to Hatchet McFlynn who was as surprised as I was. In his heightened state of ecstasy he insisted on taking the stragglers on out to a club (Love and Death) where Geordie and him danced the night away around their coats which they couldn't find afterwards.

Girly had an even more interesting end to his night. Incorrectly identifying Magic's coat as his own, he went home feeling a little fragile but couldn't get into his home since he had no keys. Explaining this to a chap in uniform didn't help but he did get a Big Mac. With no alternative, Girly made it to the home of Ron Manager in the early hours of Sunday morning. Forcing entry into his oldest friend's house and tempting Dusty with wizened sausage, he found himself a bed for the night. It was a surprise to Ron who bumped into him on the landing on Sunday morning and was forced to provide a full occupied six counties plus the other three fry.

Good job this is only an annual event.

Monday night football was a sedentary affair as football was a secondary consideration - avoidance of a heart attack being paramount.

On the social side, two dates for your diary...…………

Thursday 20th December - Care in the Community Evening, Errigle. If you want a free beer or two!
Friday 28th December - Dessie Armstrong Cup, Aquinas. Need players and supporters. Try to make it, but let me know on the WhatsApp. I will provide more details next week.

Finally, apologies for the archive photo of Hatchet McFlynn but he reckons he looks better there than he did in the end on Saturday night. I cannot comment!

New Youth Policy

Ron Manager recaptures his youth

At Lough Moss, of a Monday night, oft is heard the aphorism - "The older I get, the better I used to be". Although, generally true, this statement is anachronistic in basis and therefore not something that could be applied to Culchie or Liam, for example. It might or indeed could be applicable to latest recruit Gary, hereinafter referred to as Gazza, who made an outstanding debut last week but was unable to equal his first week's performance after being dragged down to the grass roots level of the Ulidia Masters after just seven days. Scoring and dynamically making the play on week one was followed up by tripping over Hatchet McFlynn, Klinsmann style on week two - for younger readers, Jurgen Klinsmann was a Nazi bastard who attempted reparation when signing for Zionist outfit Spurs in the 90's. He had a proclivity for diving, Stuka style, in the opposition penalty area.

The game was a tight affair, six goals equally divided (that means 3 each Magic) one of which was a gift from aforementioned magician and one an outstanding volleyed own goal from yours truly to deny Cruncher from getting on the scoresheet again. Two similar headed goals from Kev and Ferryman were pick of the bunch.

Culchie will be missing for the month of November as he has joined a moustache growing homosexual commune in an attempt to drop a couple of stones. He assures me he will be keeping abreast (or two) of ongoing developments at Ulidia via the blog so here's a nod to you Culchie in your latest misadventure!

They thought it was all over - it is now

Exclamation Marks - WTF!!!!!!!!!

Yeshh!! It's all over the internet.

A tight game. 3-2  to the victors, but the real winners were Culchie and Ferryman who will achieve internet stardom beyond their Tinder profile pages. Playing on opposing sides, one can only assume that it was their intention to keep the score down. Perhaps they had a wager with Paddy Power that they wouldn't get on the scoresheet. Maybe they each felt sorry for the hapless goalkeepers who were nowhere to be seen in the gaping open goal. Whatever, we shall remember them. Eejits!

Incredibly, they both tried to justify their ineptitude........

Ferryman - "I didn't expect the pass from Cruncher". Perhaps he has a point.
Culchie - " I was dizzy from the collision with Noel" . Only one person coming off worse there and it's not Culchie.

Two nailed on certs for the "Misses of the Year" award to be presented at the annual night out in December. Up to 22 starters for that, the second team rounded off when Girly Bhoy confirmed he will be in attendance and that he too is looking for a new "Mrs for the Year". Get back on "Asian Brides" Girly!

The Pope of Ulidia

Hatchet McFlynn - the smiling assassin

Since Ron Manager has been on enforced leave of absence, I have been called on to select teams at the beginning of each game. I believe that this is something that should be done before players arrive and consequently allow us to get started marginally quicker. I will raise this at the AGM. Last night's game saw Magic get a late call up as Girly was painting his toe nails, but this was very much a like for like replacement and did not affect the outcome of the game. 

Team selection follows a strange code as Ulidia's chief hatchetman is a regular first choice. As an advocate of fair play, I am unable to condone this preposterous selection method especially last night when Axeman Power was on the same side as Hatchet McFlynn. Despite this sorry state of affairs, I am pleased to report that flair and skill were victorious. The losing team may have been cold, calculating and clever in their callous attempts to thwart genuinely attractive football but they were not so good at counting up to five which was the number of goals scored by the winning team.

Post match, I discovered that Hatchet McFlynn is departing these shores imminently on a pilgrimage to Rome where he will receive absolution for his past crimes and can thus begin again his personal crusade in ankle biting.

On a more jovial note, Fuzz is booking the Xmas Dinner this week. Looks like we will have around 20 starters (and 20 mains) so you will be required to front up with a deposit which will also be £20. Date is December 1st.

Christians 4 - 5 Lions

Kev (1)              Noel

Hatchet             Paul (2)

Axeman            Cruncher

Culchie (1)        Fuzz (2)

Ciaran (1)          Stevie

Lorenzo             Mark (1)

Willie                 Gaz

Magic                Jim

Feargal (1)        Texas

Winner Alright

Winner "Rasta Paul" ready to rumble!

England bowed under the pressure and at the final hurdle, so did the long time leader, Roisin Campbell. Gary is a relieved man and young Tom can't look his mum in the eyes again without reddening with the embarrassment of it. Still, 2 women in the top three (the other, defending champion, Marie Louise, and therefore my reason for embarrassment) proves something. I don't know what it is. I guess it's just, Je ne sais quoi!

The winner came with a late run. As the leader hit the final hurdle Rasta Paul galloped clear, getting every result right on the final day with one correct score. He was delighted when I phoned him last night, if not a little surprised, nay shocked, at my forwardness when I asked where he lived. I explained that there was no tax to pay on his winnings and he has promised to buy me a pint if I ever see him again!

Runner up, Roisin has been paid by Gary and had nothing to say that a wry smile couldn't. Consequently he got a wry smile, as did yours truly from Marie Louise. Most interesting of the prize winners responses, was Sara Deazley's dad who is putting his £50 behind the bar in the Parador when I get back from my holiday at the end of July. Ron Manager will have checked every entry by then and I will put up a final results table for all 100 starters if interest prevails.

Incidentally, a distant 100th was Colin Mitchell. I believe he may be an associate of Big Viv and therefore possibly a Leeds United supporter. I hope not. Colin, you scored a measly 18 points. Those psychic cats would have done better!

It's been a long two weeks for some and an interesting two weeks for us all. Thanks for taking part and staying on 'til the end of the ride. See you back here in 2022. I definitely won't be in Qatar!


On the Podium

1  Rasta Paul (48) £250
2  Roisin (47)  £150
3  Marie Louise (44)  £50
3  Sara Deazley's Dad (44)  £50
5  Dan Taggart (42)
6  Chris Mark (41) - Still and final top culchie bai!
7  Niall Cosgrove (40)
8  Sean Nolan (39)
8  Ronan Smyth (39)
8 Andrew Morrow (39)