Seasonal End of Season

Has anyone seen my coat?

On Saturday last, the young men of Ulidia sallied forth into the relative unknown of a night out in the Fritz Lang metropolis that we know as Beal Feirste or "Small Northern Town". With the exception of the Culchie contingent, most of us call it "Home" and recall the days when it was Bomb City but the only bombs in evidence on Saturday were Jagerbombs in celebration of the original Culchie who was regrettably absent attending to a load of lambs in the oul fella's yoke that was stuck in a massive sheugh in Magherafelt!

A six o'clock start was not doable for Ireland's premier second hand car salesman who found himself without a driver. He was able to get his order in by phone and consequently, Soup and his soup arrived simultaneously, much to the dismay of Ron Manager who was waiting to sing Grace. Girly Bhoy was ready to join in on the second verse.

Having avoided compulsory heavy handed removal for disturbance of the peace, Ron Manager was more concerned with tearing up pieces of paper for the Player of the Year vote. His attempts at tearing up the bill were vetoed by Fuzz with a stern, "Mmm, I don't really think that's a good idea John". To be fair, Fuzz was preoccupied with the more important Secret Santa Awards and for those of you with hearing difficulty, short memories or Munchausen syndrome, here is a brief summary of those.

Goal of The Season

1 Cruncher (Fuzz felt sorry for him)
2 Kevin (He thought he should have won)

Miss of the Season

1 Ferryman (Thought he should have had goal of the season)
2 Stevie (Young Player of the Year but no category)

Neymar Award for Drama Queen

1 Tom (Goes down very easily..... apparently)
2 McKenna (He doth complain too much)

Gary Sprake Award for Worst Keeper

1 Magic (No contest)
2 Ciaran (Not as shite as Magic)

Pat Jennings Award for Top Keeper

1 Geordie (He likes to score but goalkeeping is good)
2 Soup (He likes to score but goalkeeping is goodish)

Stephen Ireland Award for Pathetic Excuses

1 Willie (He's not well)
2 Fuzz (I'm not well)

Justin Fashanu Award for Girliness

1 Girly (He's a Girly Bhoy)
2 Eoin (He like ladyboys (according to Geordie))

Canny Sloth Award for Walking Football Brilliance

1 Sean (Only when he's fit)
2 Jim (Only when he has the time)

Tommy Smith Award for the dirtiest bastard

1 Hatchet (say no more)
2 Ron (Hatchet's biggest fan)

Full Brazilian Baldy Fanny Award for football elegance

1 Jolinho (The Belfast Pele)
2 Paul (The Belfast Rivelino)

The Gola Award for Fancy Feet

1 Feargal (Faster feet than Girly's fingers)
2 Deeno (He works at fiddling full time)

Pope John Paul 2 Award for Least Catholic Behaviour

1 Noel (Football is not a religion)
2 Davy (Neither is Mormonism)


While there was a comedy aspect to this ceremony, there was also an element of truth. You be the judge.

The Player of the Year was awarded to Hatchet McFlynn who was as surprised as I was. In his heightened state of ecstasy he insisted on taking the stragglers on out to a club (Love and Death) where Geordie and him danced the night away around their coats which they couldn't find afterwards.

Girly had an even more interesting end to his night. Incorrectly identifying Magic's coat as his own, he went home feeling a little fragile but couldn't get into his home since he had no keys. Explaining this to a chap in uniform didn't help but he did get a Big Mac. With no alternative, Girly made it to the home of Ron Manager in the early hours of Sunday morning. Forcing entry into his oldest friend's house and tempting Dusty with wizened sausage, he found himself a bed for the night. It was a surprise to Ron who bumped into him on the landing on Sunday morning and was forced to provide a full occupied six counties plus the other three fry.

Good job this is only an annual event.

Monday night football was a sedentary affair as football was a secondary consideration - avoidance of a heart attack being paramount.

On the social side, two dates for your diary...…………

Thursday 20th December - Care in the Community Evening, Errigle. If you want a free beer or two!
Friday 28th December - Dessie Armstrong Cup, Aquinas. Need players and supporters. Try to make it, but let me know on the WhatsApp. I will provide more details next week.

Finally, apologies for the archive photo of Hatchet McFlynn but he reckons he looks better there than he did in the end on Saturday night. I cannot comment!