San Lorenzo de Clonmel

Lorenzo gives thanks for his name

On the occasion of Blue Monday, it certainly felt  that the Arctic temperature had descended at the historic home of Irish football. John Lavery had promised to deliver a hat trick in Davy's absence but failed to remember that it was the presence of the latest sexagenarian on the pitch who would prevent him in his quest. That's not to say that it was a dull game. Far from it. Kevin's cavaliering catastrophes romped to an exciting 9-8 demolition of the opposition who were held together by a robust defensive performance from San Lorenzo. I often wondered about Lorenzo's name and after an evening with a family member I discovered that Lorenzo has serious holy credentials. Not only is he named after a Pope, but the current Pope Francis is a fan - of San Lorenzo de Almagro, an Argentinian football team from suburban Buenos Aires. So that time Lorenzo collided with my hand and thought I had knocked out his two front teeth, I certainly had. However, the teeth were at once reinstated by a miraculous intervention. 

The Lord certainly moves in mysterious ways and that should be obvious if you've ever watched Cruncher perform one of his three point turns. As chance would have it, that was the second miracle of Ulidia - Cruncher scored last night.

Happy Big Birthday Lorenzo!

Season Finale

The Ghost of Christmas Past

It will not have gone unnoticed that we have now said Goodbye to 2023 and that December was an eventful month. We kicked off early in the month with a very successful Xmas Awards Dinner. This has been the traditional, annual get together when we choose a player who has performed noticeably throughout the year and present him with a worthy award. The "Glass Slipper" (formerly the Protestant Boot), a name coined by first recipient Gary Brammeld, has become an alluring object of desire for many of the regular attendees on "Monday Night". The vote took place on the evening and despite rumours of vote canvassing and outright bribery, there was a clear winner. Ciaran Donaghy, the quiet assassin, did little to canvas votes other than mention that he was from Cushendall, ancestral home of World Cup Winner, Alexis MacAllister. This, combined with a talent for not responding when asked his name (particularly by security forces) was enough to garner enough votes to see off the opposition.

On the evening, Cruncher O'Keefe came through with an array of other awards which were gratefully accepted by those recipients who had not done enough to win the boot. Special mention must go to Ultan Power and Marty McFlynn who jointly claimed the "Dirty Fucking Bastard" award for being two of the dirtiest fucking bastards in the history of dirty fucking bastards. Gary Campbell has his eye on that one for next year. It should be said that this evening was one of the most enjoyable in the history of these events, despite Culchie's attempts to incite violence, and we are grateful to The Pavillion for their hospitality and courtesy in helping us achieve this.

Armstrong Cup Holders

After Christmas, the annual Armstrong Cup battle with Cromac Albion beckoned. December 27th is the usual day for this charity match, staged this year for the 19th time. Henry Armstrong MBE is of the mind that the event has run it's course and has already put in place plans to hold a black tie dinner in November 2024 with a view to playing the final game next Christmas. Some of us maintain that there is life in the old dog yet and if there are people willing to donate to charity, there will be plenty of aging athletes prepared to step onto the football pitch. Time will tell.

This year's match proved to be another battle that would not end in entente cordiale. Sad, given that it is supposed to be the season of good will! The Ulidia team controlled most of the game but lapses in concentration and woeful conditions presented Cromac with the lead against the run of play when a lobbed header beat the advancing keeper, albeit from a pinpoint cross. Fortunately Ulidia bounced back with a hopeful long distance strike from Trung which beat the, soon to be, octogenarian between the Cromac posts. Stalemate at half time.

Early in the second period, the weather worsened but Decky managed to avoid a bathing duck to lob the Cromac keeper from outside the box and Ulidia had their noses in front for the first time. But not for long. Hesitation at the back allowed Cromac back in, not once but twice and the game seemed to be slipping away. Until, in the last miniute of the match, Runaround Huston latched onto a speculative through ball only to be cynically scythed down by Spot Muldoon at the heart of the Cromac defence. No one was happy and tempers flared as Paul Madden stepped up to slot the ball home and draw the game. A fair result? No. Ulidia should have been out of sight but in the spirit of the season were happy to share the spoils. Not so the Cromac team and it was very disappointing that only a couple of their players came back to the Parador for the presentation. At least Jim Cleary was magnanimous and understanding of the difficulty that the referee overcame during the game. There is no need for the level of abuse targeted at him by some of the players and when they refuse to shake hands, well, that is plain schoolboy pathetic! Ulidia retained the cup as holders!

Rainbow ribbons for our LGBT friends

One final outing on New Year's Eve drew the attention of the Belfast Telegraph newspaper. Follow the link below.

https://m.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/sunday-life/features/marie-curie-made-my-brothers-last-christmas-special-i-will-never-forget-the-joy-on-his-face/a1456011740.html?fbclid=IwAR3m6imaZtiiCok4GQ_3Og38OIV1jOZfS39OVxmMjFUcr6yzb_eVz8xl3d8_aem_AdhPeD8d-eaE07t_jujxDLvZZFH6egywQ2zH5xdSjUqWedyoM-D3HQEyj7XUoQqBAbs#lqz6x3rcoyke666we6o

This was the first anniversary of the lamented Stevie "Girly Bhoy" Wilson. Lorenzo McMullan organised a predominantly North Belfast horde to challenge us South Belfast Ulidians with a view to raising a few quid for Marie Curie. The game was played in more pleasant conditions than the previous match. Four unmemorable goals in the first half put the South Belfast boys in a commanding position going in with a comfortable 4-0 lead. The second half provided at least as many good chances to increase that lead but wasteful play from our Monaghan import and bad decision making elsewhere let the North Belfast crew score two goals and make the scoreline more respectable.

North and South together

The important statistic is that we raised close to £600 for Marie Curie. Not bad for a bunch of has beens. Thank you to Rosario for giving use of the facilities for free on both days and thus increasing the amount donated to charity.

Our next full match will be against Bloomfield in February. Watch this space!

 

Slaying the Dragon

Orangefield Dragons

Shakespeare's Brothers

There'll be singing in Paisley

Burnsy lifts the "MVP" of the Air Raid Siren Award

L'Amour and St Geordie

Maxi does his mean pose

Sunday 23rd April, coincidentally St George's Day, Shakespeare's birthday and the day the Love Street Perpetual Trophy was returned to it's rightful place, on Mark Carron's mantelpiece. The return leg of the competition had taken more than three years to organise having had to negotiate a pandemic, a catalogue of injuries and a place on thon mantelpiece amongst the ever increasing array of awards fighting for space there. Fortunately "Champ" had just recently emptied the bottle of Doom Bar which had been taking pride of place.

We convened for a 2pm kick off and it was noted that both teams had assembled big squads. The Ulidia clipboard was the subject of much interest as the starting eleven was announced and there was no room for the star striker but after a bruising five minutes in the number 9 position, I realised that I had to make room before there was an incident on the touchline. "Runaround" helped quell the potential for disaster, keeping Champ focussed by working on his jab.

After a tentative start, the stalemate was broken when Orangefield won a corner. The pinpoint delivery to the back post was met by Gary Boyd who placed his looping header beyond the scrambling cat in the Ulidia goal. Little did he know it would he the last scrambling he would have to do in the first half. Encouraged from the touchline, Ulidia took control. This was as much a surprise to the management as it was to the players who got on the scoresheet. Both centre backs Ruari and Andy, Paul Madden and Vize from the midfield and the centre forward partnership of Little and Large rounded off an even six in the first half. Champ turned so quickly to take his goal that nobody saw it. 

The half time lecture was replaced by smiles and laughter as finding ourselves in unknown territory meant that St Geordie could proffer the Lurgan champagne to any interested party. Both sides made significant team changes at half time but it was the Dragonslayers who took first blood in the second half. Yul Brynner, cameoing as Conor Mulholland, took an excellent first touch on a deft through ball and slotted the ball past the stranded Orangefield keeper. This was to be the final nail in the coffin and the game turned in Orangefield's favour. Camping in the home team's half for most of the rest of the game saw them claw their way back but they couldn't get out of that coffin. Goals from Jimmy "The Foot" Huston, another from Boyd and a debut goal from William Vance, advanced their tally to four. When the referee blew for the end of the game, smiles were apparent on the faces of both teams' players. Each team won a half but the significant half belonged to Ulidia and the Love Street Cup had come home.

The football, however, was only the warm up for the main part of the day. Making our way to the Pavillion for the post match craic and banter has been an important celebration of these friendly games. On Sunday we were also celebrating the life of Stevie Wilson, former player and much loved raconteur. We are raising funds for Marie Curie who cared for Stevie in his final days and if you have yet to contribute, please follow the link below. Donations on Sunday totalled £931 which is superb for a bunch of old men with nothing better to do. A huge thank you to all who have made a donation and to Michael Lavery of The Pavillion who provided the post match buffet gratis. Respect.

MARIE CURIE DONATION

The page will be live until the Ulidia Marathon Relay team complete the challenge on Sunday coming. Look out for more old men trying to put one foot in front of the other.

Orangefield have indicated that they believe that the movement of the Love Street Cup to Champ's mantelpiece is only temporary and plans are currently afoot to execute a dawn raid. I would suggest some time in late 2023. Stand By.

Love the life you live and live the life you love.

 

Youth Policy

 

The versatile "Runaround" celebrates selection for the "Masters"

Unaware that the Ulidia Youth Policy has been latently in operation for years, Stevie "Runaround" Huston panicked that his youthful appearance, realistic hair and Turkish teeth might preclude his selection for the upcoming Love Street Cup challenge match. What he has not been reckoning on, are the criteria for being part of that aforementioned "Youth Policy".

1    NOT in possession of a bus pass

2    NOT in possession of grandchildren

3    NOT in possession of metal implants to aid walking

4    In possession of a permanent thatch

5    In possession of at least 50% natural teeth

6    In possession of a hefty wallet in order to bribe team selectors

In his most recent outing on the hallowed plastic of Belfast's first football pitch, Runaraound was obviously overwhelmed by his newly found sportsman status and contributed little. He later opined that he was saving himself for the upcoming challenge match. 

A 5-5 draw on Monday was a good workout for all, especially the goalkeepers. Some great goals and some terrible goalkeeping kept the game interesting.

You are all reminded that this Sunday, we play Orangefield Crocks, our football nemesis. Everyone is welcome, nay, expected to attend. Please follow the link below to contribute to the charity which is again Marie Curie and we are all aware of the reasons why. Post match refreshments in the Big House.

Love Street Charity Fundraiser

Ban the Bomb

Return of Blogger

 

Scratch It, Hatchet and Thatch It!

It's been a long time since we had regular match reports appear here. The main reason has been my ongoing proclivity to injury and inherent unavailability for Mondays. A couple of games recently would appear to have banished this ghost to the back seat of my tour bus, so I hope to be more fruitful in providing a commentary, especially now that I have little else to do.

Since my enforced premature and somewhat futile retirement, it is unfortunate that no one has stepped up to fulfil the role but the reasons are many. 

Ron Manager has taken to jogging as a way of walking the dog and is continually worried that he might get injured. He will be fine as long as he picks Marty on the same team. 

Sean Nolan has had a double hip replacement and has taken to a life of leisure (or his bed) but is fostering ambitions of winning the Cregagh Golf  Cup when he gets back to swinging.

Together with a couple of more long term absences, several new players have been introduced and it would be remiss of me not to provide a player profile for those new faces.

Paddy, the Fermanagh Man, who talks a lot but nobody can understand what he says; Derek, a Leeds man, so first on the teamsheet; Sarge, good in the air with the follicles to prove it; Deccy, good on the floor where he spends most of his time; Micky who might be a worthy replacement for Culchie but the fucker keeps coming back. Then there are the The Vietnamese contingent - younger, fitter and generally better so nobody will pass to them. Therefore when Trung get the ball he shoves it up his jumper, Billy takes a knife and fork to it, Jack looks for Trung and Alex shields the ball like it is unexploded ordinance. We could learn from them all.

Last night's game was relatively uneventful. I was concentrating on not getting kicked so missed a lot of the action, Kev's Thatchers ran out worthy winners with the evening's outstanding performance coming from Mark "Cavan" who could do no wrong. A goal direct from the corner was the least he deserved. The glass boot is a formality.

It is worth mentioning that we have a couple of other games in the coming weeks. Love Street Charity Cup on Sunday 23rd sees the return of the game with Orangefield when we will be fundraising for Marie Curie. There will be food , drinks and a raffle afterwards in the Big House. Please turn up and donate even if you don't make the team. This is a game we must win in memory of our fallen former team mates so a strong team will represent us. If you can't make it on the day, I will post a justgiving page where you can donate. This will also be an opportunity for you to donate to the Ulidia Belfast Marathon relay team (Davy, Kevin, Ron, John and me) who will be running to raise more funds for Marie Curie. That will definitely be a test for my ailments.

Football for All.

Stevie Wilson, 1961 - 2022

 

The 12 stories of this Christmas

It's been a strange week. The return of the Dessie Armstrong Charity Cup, after three lost years due to the pandemic. This, we retained with a courageous display of total football on the 27th December. Then, a second playing of another seasonal friendly against our Carryduff neighbours which also ended in a win. However, these days paled into insignificance when we learned that the legendary Stevie "Girly Bhoy" Wilson left us on New Year's Eve. 

Stevie, who referred to himself as GB, died after a long battle with cancer, specifically Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He will forever be remembered for his sense of humour, his story telling, his love of Glasgow Celtic and his penchant for Asian ladies. We all spent many nights out, at home and away, with Stevie and every time, there was a story to tell in the aftermath. These will live long in my memory and with many of you, especially Ron Manager his lifelong friend and often "Minder". Stevie did have a habit of getting himself into some tricky situations but always enjoyed regaling us with the tale of his adventure when he had somehow come through unscathed.

Unfortunately, cancer is not something that gives anyone that opportunity and although Stevie laughed and made us laugh at his condition, he always knew he was going to come second. The battle is over Stevie. You made it one hell of a battle.

Rest easy, old friend.

Ulidia Masters 2 - 3 Bloomfield Seniors

 ULIDIA MASTERS 2 -3 BLOOMFIELD SENIORS

Purple Hearts and Green Goddesses

Around February 2020, Clinton McCreery of Bloomfield FC contacted me as somebody had told him that we were a football club with a drinking problem. I told him that we were in fact a Drinking Club with a football problem and we realised that we had something in common. A match was hastily arranged but a pandemic got in the way, until yesterday. In the interim, several members of the wily crew have been forced into retirement and others crocked temporarily and permanently. Fielding eleven able bodied verdiblancos was itself a challenge, never mind getting them to talk to each other.

It was a great strike from debutant Chris Courtney that opened the scoring for the home team but it wasn't long before the competitive nature of a football match and the requirement to run started to take it's toll. Ron Manager's assistant for the day, Jinky Madden, was called on to provide restorative groin massage to several players before half time. A new career in the local pornographic industry beckons for Eoin "Chopper" McKinney who obviously enjoyed it too much. Changes in defence allowed Bloomfield in for a deserved equaliser before half time when Jinky rung a few more changes.

The Purple Hearts of the East came out strongly after the break and pushed on, scoring two more goals. The writing appeared to be on the wall, but half time replacement, Trung "Nakamura" Duong started to make a difference in the home midfield and was rewarded with a goal, celebrating with a bow to the home fans. There were chances at both ends before the referee (who provided the arbitration free of charge) blew the final whistle.

The mercurial midfield maestro, Trung

As has been the case in most of these competitive games, the pitch and changing room fees were waived and a healthy whip round meant we were able to donate a sum in excess of £250 to a suicide awareness charity close to the hearts of the Bloomfield team. Well done lads!

Due to ongoing pandemic restrictions, post match hospitality was limited to a couple of big tables in the Errigle but at least we got to witness Manchester United take an absolute pasting. One or two players who graced the hallowed Ulidian turf could have played in that team. If rules and regulations continue to be relaxed, there is every chance of a rematch with Bloomfield as well as The Armstrong Cup to be contested on December 27th and a chance to regain The Love Street Cup in the new year.

In the meantime, stay safe, stay healthy and get fit, not fat, this winter.

The Boris Solstice shall exalt us (The Summer one we hope)

Three Wise Men and the Baby Jesus

On the shortest day of the longest year in all our lives,  the Ulidian Magi welcomed the onset of a bleak winter with a final assembly at the historic Ormeau Road stadium. Much has transpired here since football (soccer to the impurists) first arrived in Ireland in 1878, but little can rival the commitment of this incomparable, eclectic  collection of deviants. Still, it has been a year to forget.

All started well with a hard fought victory in the 2019 Dessie Armstrong Cup against arch nemesis Cromac Albion, but things quickly soured. The tragic loss of our Captain left many of us speechless but raising internal questions on our collective mortality and our future as a competitive unit. We came second in the replaying of the Love Street Cup in February but swore to avenge that defeat. All too soon, however, our football and banter world came crashing down when Ultan announced that he was chief advisor on the Stephen Nolan show. What he advised via that medium, was and has not been tidings of great joy. Our activity was curtailed in March and apart from sporadic returns to the pitch, there has been little to laud this season. Until now.

On this most palindromic day of the year (21/12) when there was a planetary conjunction not witnessed in centuries, we played for the final time in 2020 as we are imminently subject to a new lockdown. An exciting match provided a bizarrely one sided scoreline which was perhaps an unfair reflection of the game. Ultan's victorious Vaccinators scored 4 to the measly 0 accumulated by Ron's Christmas Donkeys. A sparkling long range effort from Eastern (where the wise men hail from) debutant, Trung was supplemented by Ciaran, Carron and Gaz. The highlight of the evening was yet to be served though.

In our season, which runs from January to December, we have traditionally had a player of the year vote at the annual Xmas dinner. This was conducted electronically this year and I do not recommend the digital duck a l'orange. The vote, however threw up a scintillating array of prospective winners.

Perhaps it was no surprise (although the look on Mark Carron's face suggested otherwise) that "Runaround" Stevie Huston attained enough fans to give him a third place finish. He regularly covers more ground in a match than Culchie and Cruncher put together and the smile on his face was only matched by that displayed when he was last the recipient of a kinder toy. "Don't drink it all at once son", said Ron in considerately thinking about the ongoing fitness of his infant protégé.

Nobody ever remembers the runner-up, but not so in this case. Giggsy Madden, as he told me he was once known, once upon an afternoon in Carryduff, regularly performs well enough to warrant my vote but then, what do I know, I voted for the eventual winner. At this announcement, all eyes were on Paddy who has shone brightly this year when not starting fires all over the pitch. The fire in his eyes was about to be extinguished however. 

Feargal (No fear) O'Keefe plays with his heart and sometimes his head on his sleeve. A regular player and a regular bloke, he required a hospital visit in October after he came into close contact with our national treasure, the Waterford Whisperer. Fortunately he tested negative. In my opinion, a worthy winner whom hereinafter will be referred to as "Fearless".

And so we returned to our respective homes to lie low until Ultan tells us we can come back out to play. 

So, finally a reminder to visit https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/henryarmstrong1 if you haven't done so already and if you have, as many of you have, thank you.

Happy Christmas and a Healthy New Year.
 

Lockdown Blues

Don't argue with the "Ulsterman"

In recent weeks, months and soon to be years, it has not been possible to switch on thon fancy flat screen without encountering the bake of the beast of Ulidia. If you scan your DAB receiver, you will also find a local or national station (international if you're that way inclined) broadcasting the thoughts of Chairman Power. What the fuck is going on? Ultan (Irish for Man of Ulster according to the academic tweets) at this moment in time, is the man to go drinking with, but by the time the pubs reopen it could be somebody else. Rest assured, it won't be Culchie, unless you enjoy riding home in the company of paramedics! Many of us were unaware that Ultan is Ireland's foremost authority in virology. Like Cuchulain, he has attained legendary status during the period of crisis that we have all been subject to. Unlike Cuchulain he has not yet lost his head although how he has managed to remain cool under cross examination by Sheriff Fatman is a credit to his ancestors, both mythical and genetic.

From my own position (at home, next to computer), I have to admit that I am becoming somewhat overwhelmed by an urge to leave the confines of my limited space to venture into the relative unknown. I haven't been to the shops, pub or anywhere in the company of humans in over eight weeks. I have to thank many of you (Sean, Ron, Mark, Stevie, Geordie and others) for keeping the cupboards fully plenished. Like most, I was fine with this for a while but I am having withdrawal symptoms from no football (attempting to play and watch), no socialising, no travel and no idea when any of that is likely to change. I'm fed up with bullshit politicians contradicting each other and themselves. I can't believe that I applauded Piers Morgan (metaphorically) for his grilling of some Tory sap on Breakfast TV a few days ago. Like everyone else, I applauded at 8pm on Thursday evenings for a couple of weeks until I realised it was just another statist ruse to ease the government's embarrassment for not paying those key workers what they deserve. Applause doesn't put food on the table. So, I'm a bit pissed off, but imagine having been in hospital since the start of March, pre lockdown! Well, our own Girly Bhoy is that girl/boy/man/ladyboy! He has had a scary time. He's in the City/Nightingale Hospital at ground zero but the good news is that he is responding to chemotherapy. He has been in touch with Ron Manager and myself but I have no doubt that he would appreciate a text or PM from some of you.

Still thinking of Ting Tong 27

So these photos are shared with his permission. He is hopeful of making it to the Christmas Dinner and to be fair, he looks like he could do with a good feed. Phase 5 of the "Lockdown Ease" is reopening pubs and restaurants. I hope that we can all be at the Christmas Dinner. We could get Ultan to invite Sheriff Fatman but he might eat all the grub.

Here's hoping everyone is keeping fit and healthy. We will get back to kicking each other some day, but not until Ultan says so. In the meantime, be good to yourself.

Death or Destiny

The unreasonable face of reason

How has it come to this? It's Monday, and for the third successive week, there is no Monday night game. The longest running regular football game in Belfast is, for the moment, consigned to history and largely due to the protestant (not the reformed religion but the noun applied to he who gives a fuck) complaints of the "Waterford Whisperer". He who doth protest when it is normal for him to be the subject of protest on a Monday evening, most often from Ron Manager. No longer are his dulcet tones regaling the Ulidia turf but he has been invited into our living rooms via the miracle of John Logie Baird. The Tower of Power is the voice of reason when it comes to imparting advice to the population of this remote administrative region of the UK (for now). I will no longer be able to take in that gazely countenance without looking down the length of a classroom metre rule and proffering the challenge, "En Garde".

We certainly are living in strange times and if Ultan is to be believed, this is just the start of an arduous path back to normality. BJ says it will get worse before it gets better, but if we follow the advice of our stalwart centre half wrecking ball, we might live to be kicked by the beast of Waterford one more time. Personally, I am looking forward to that evening.

As I left out the bins last Thursday night at 8 o'clock, I couldn't believe the tumultuous round of applause I got from the neighbours. It wasn't until I returned to the safety of my living room that John Logie Baird told me that the country was applauding Ultan and his sort. No, not big wankers from Waterford, but those that are putting their lives at risk...………….. well, you know the rest. How bizarre that we all now have to pay tribute to Ultan, but we do. Not for his contribution on a Monday night but for his contribution to getting us back to the pitch sooner rather than later. We all applaud you big man.
Thank you.

Orangefield - Love Street Champions

Hurricane Ulidia 

Orangefield Stormtroopers

Last week we had Storm Ciara and this week we were promised Storm Dennis. As it turned out Dennis was much less of a menace than Ciara but he didn't help conditions as Love Street rivals took the pitch at Ulidia, ancient home of football. The first venue for international rugby in Ulster, Sunday's game was supposed to be of the Association variety and when the ball was kept on the ground, both teams were neat exponents of the code. When booted up into the air, Dennis took control and it was anybody's guess where the ball would end up. For thirty minutes, both teams probed and created chances and despite the conditions, some attractive football was played. Noel Wilson and Mark Lynn looked bright Orange (Noel is working on his tan for his upcoming nuptials) while Pauls McCoy and Madden were Green with envy. A half time stalemate looked inevitable until hesitation in the steadfast Ulidia defence allowed Doc (hereinafter referred to as "Nimble Doc" due to his appreciation of the diet loaf) to steal in and drive the ball home for a goal that was probably slightly against the run of play.

Half Time
Ulidia 0 - 1 Orangefield

Ref Orla posed with Team Captains at half time

After the game resumed, Orangefield were able to make sweeping changes to their team and introduced the product of their youth policy which did not take long to register on the scoresheet. Desperate Dan was deadly as he ducked through the deflated defenders to deliver the double for his team. Diving to his right, Neil in the Ulidia goal was unlucky not to get his fingers to the ball.

A raft of changes to the Ulidia team followed as the game continued to ebb and flow. Stuart King (Banbridge manager and former Linfield player) outran the Ulidia full back and delivered a pinpoint cross for the new Orangefield number 9 to cushion home on the volley, wrongfooting the Ulidia keeper. Hendy celebrated like never before as he had never scored before (at least not since the playground, and that wasn't such a long time ago) not realising that this was his lucky day - he would win a fish supper in the ballot later.

The game was not over and Ulidia gave the scoreline some respectability when debutant, Liam O'Connor netted from the penalty spot. It was only a consolation as the Ref blew for full time shortly afterwards and The Love Street Cup will spend at least a year in the Orangefield trophy cabinet.

Full Time
Ulidia 1 - 3 Orangefield

In the three meetings of the sides to date, it's 2 - 0 to Orangefield with one match having been drawn. Some recruitment is required if Ulidia are to regain the coveted trophy next year. It is not an impossible task, but one that will require some reality checks in the Ulidia ranks if we want to remain competitive.

Post match saw both teams, spectators and friends repair to the players lounge in the big house where the real fun kicked off.

Orangefield flaunt the Love Street Cup

Ron Manager considers what might have been

Hendy shows off his boy of the match award and phones his agent

A great turn out and contribution to the ballot meant that we were able to raise over £800 on the day. The Orangefield lads donated the tidy sum of £230 and Michael Lavery of the Big House split the food bill with Ulidia. This has taken the fund raising total to in excess of £4000 which is a magnificent effort by everyone. I know that some were not able to be there on Sunday and still wish to contribute to the fund so please do by following the link https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/ulidiafootball

Remember that we are raising funds for the Belfast Marie Curie Hospice where our captain was cared for before his final whistle. A final push to see how high we can drive this total up in the next week or so. If you are having difficulty with the link please let me know and we can get this remedied before the page is closed.

Finally, a heartfelt thank you to Willie's family who turned out on Sunday to support his old team mates in what was unfriendly weather. We missed him on the pitch but cannot imagine the vacuum that has been left in their lives. We will continue as a team, in honour of his memory and we will win The Love Street Cup when we play for it again in 2021.

Love Street/McIntaggart Cup

Jolinho executes the St Pauli Double

The undisputed international, all embracing, non-racist, anti-sectarian ethos that we so proudly nurture at Ulidia was much in evidence when we were recently visited by two young Europeans. The fact that they were lost and looking for the former Kincora Boy's Home did not matter to Jolinho who gladly imparted the sterling advice of a man older than their combined years. He taught them how to perform his unique stepover and this time, in the shower. Kai and Jan were eager students and were happy to have included Ulidia in their whistle stop tour of the North and all the madness on offer. Jan will never forget the knife to his throat in Derry while Kai is proud to be remembered as a "Big Fuckin' German" all over Belfast. Hande Hoch meine Jungs!!

24 players on the pitch last week, but the intervention of Storm Ciara and more annoyingly, Belfast City Council meant that there were none on the pitch this Monday. Selection for the upcoming Love Street Charity Cup has therefore been unfairly compromised because the selection committee have very short memories. I would like to remind them how well Cruncher O'Keefe performed in the last competitive game with Cromac Albion when he was hailed for the chances that he missed rather than the one he converted.

Energy giving wotsits! - Cruncher swears by them

It is also worth reminding said committee that Cruncher is not available for this "Crunch" match due to other commitments. He will be with us in spirit though - Jameson's, I believe, as he has donated ballot prizes for the post match raffle. Thank you for that philanthropic gesture.

The opposition for the game on Sunday will be Orangefield Crocks which demonstrates the "Hands across the Divide" bollocks which has been fostered by our unique club. We have played Orangefield before and many of their players are neighbours of ours, even turning out in the green and white stripes when required.

Michael, Jim and Craig of Orangefield after a recent game for Ulidia

How fitting it is that they will provide the opposition in this replaying of The Love Street Charity Cup, last lifted by our Captain Willie McIntaggart in 2016.

Weiry and Willie in April 2016

It is anticipated that Weiry, for whom we played to raise funds 4 years ago will be making an appearance at Ulidia on Sunday, but don't expect him to buy you a drink. Not because he's a tight Scottish bastard, but because he has contributed handsomely to the fund raising page which has been set up to raise money for the Belfast Marie Curie Hospice who cared for Willie in December.

For those of you playing or coming to the game, please note that players are to convene at Ulidia at 12.15 for a 1 o'clock kick off. Post match nibbles in the Big House (next door) where music will be provided by The McIntaggart Ensemble and football will be on the telly. We hope to make this an annual event but much depends on your support so please do what you can do attend at some point on Sunday. If you are unable to make it (and you will need a bullet proof excuse) please go to
https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/ulidiafootball and give what you can. Just do it.

Willie McIntaggart 1959-2019

Captain Ulidia

We have all understood for some time that this day would certainly come and we are all, to a man, devastated at the loss of a colossus of a man, a leader and our friend. I really do not know where to begin. Tonight, Brian Kelly said, "I never understood what sort of men won the Victoria Cross, until I witnessed Willie dealing with terminal cancer. He had more courage than an army of men".

For now, I can't think of a more apt tribute. Suffer no more, my friend.

Harvest Doom

Bad Moon Rising - Kev's new Serpico

The moon was very nearly full, so the mongrel werewolves of Belfast were out in force on a Monday night at Ulidia. A total of 23 players ( that term requires a significant dollop of poetic license) were present on the green, grassy astroturf of strained groin. For those of you who are mathematically challenged, that is more than enough bodies to make two 11 a side teams - seems strange that there is often a struggle to get a team out when a competitive match beckons!

Several noteworthies were missing - Fuzz (injured), Ultan (recording a new album), Texas (his wife has a cold), Paddy (looking for Latino love), Ciaran (washing his hair) and Girly Bhoy (looking for his hair) - so it is no mean feat to put that many men on the pitch on a Monday night especially with Germany on the telly. And Belgium.

On the subject of missing star performers, it should be noted that Girly Bhoy has succeeded in hospitalising himself after a record breaking (his choice of words) South East Asian fandango.It would appear that excessive use of viagra is not conducive to a healthy lifestyle, so it isn't, especially if you have a rare form of cancer like! Consequently Girly is recovering in 6 North in the City and is receiving visitors. He hopes to be back on the streets in time for his annual ride at "The Ladyboys of Bangkok", after Oktoberfest.

On the pitch, both teams created enough chances to make it a high scoring draw but a combination of poor finishing and good goalkeeping meant that the difference between the teams was Cruncher.

Werewolves 6 - 2 Wolfmen

Ron will be collating names for the Xmas Dinner on 14 December very soon. No deposit is required. However, it is impolite not to attend if you have previously agreed to be there. In such circumstances you will be required to pay for your meal. The advice is not to put your name down unless you are confident that you will be there. By order of Ron Manager

Culchie Shoots, Culchie Scores.............For Once

Ron Manager cracks one off - a smile that is!

As Culchie stands in a pool of sweat (and vomit) he is astounded by the insipid sincerity of the gaffer's grin. What has he let himself in for? Well, there's a stupid question Culchie. You should have thought of that when you introduced Christine to Desertmartin's finest. The recent fitness regime has helped in the shedding of two stones (no, I couldn't believe it either) but let's hope it's not the important ones next to your cock, which is, at last, visible to your own naked eye for the first time since 2010. Ron is now expecting you to track back a bit more often than your customary once per match for your stint in between the sticks.

The Monday night game has improved since the move to Ulidia in January - something to do with home advantage? No. Just a better surface for the undoubted flair players in our midst. I would propose, at this stage of the year, that we have already seen the goal of the season - a 35 yard screamer from Fuzz to open Monday's account. Goals from Culchie, Soupy and Ferryman looked to have sealed it for Ron's selection but the Bogman's bhoys hit back with another from Fuzz, Noel and the winner from an embarrassed  Hustie as he scored with his left tit. So, 4-3 on the night, but football was the real winner as Culchie left with his tear soaked shirt.

The young man's nuptials take place this Friday (read the date on the shirt) and we wish him all the best on his new journey (to hell and back). All readers of the blog are invited to help him celebrate with free Jagerbombs at Crumlin Road Gaol from 19.30 or thereabouts in the evening. If you would prefer semtex to the other type of bomb, please remember that Crumlin is no longer HMP but a fine dining establishment in the heart of cultural North Belfast.

Hope to see a big turn out from the squad. All the best to Mr and Mrs Higgins - the happy couple!

Seasonal End of Season

Has anyone seen my coat?

On Saturday last, the young men of Ulidia sallied forth into the relative unknown of a night out in the Fritz Lang metropolis that we know as Beal Feirste or "Small Northern Town". With the exception of the Culchie contingent, most of us call it "Home" and recall the days when it was Bomb City but the only bombs in evidence on Saturday were Jagerbombs in celebration of the original Culchie who was regrettably absent attending to a load of lambs in the oul fella's yoke that was stuck in a massive sheugh in Magherafelt!

A six o'clock start was not doable for Ireland's premier second hand car salesman who found himself without a driver. He was able to get his order in by phone and consequently, Soup and his soup arrived simultaneously, much to the dismay of Ron Manager who was waiting to sing Grace. Girly Bhoy was ready to join in on the second verse.

Having avoided compulsory heavy handed removal for disturbance of the peace, Ron Manager was more concerned with tearing up pieces of paper for the Player of the Year vote. His attempts at tearing up the bill were vetoed by Fuzz with a stern, "Mmm, I don't really think that's a good idea John". To be fair, Fuzz was preoccupied with the more important Secret Santa Awards and for those of you with hearing difficulty, short memories or Munchausen syndrome, here is a brief summary of those.

Goal of The Season

1 Cruncher (Fuzz felt sorry for him)
2 Kevin (He thought he should have won)

Miss of the Season

1 Ferryman (Thought he should have had goal of the season)
2 Stevie (Young Player of the Year but no category)

Neymar Award for Drama Queen

1 Tom (Goes down very easily..... apparently)
2 McKenna (He doth complain too much)

Gary Sprake Award for Worst Keeper

1 Magic (No contest)
2 Ciaran (Not as shite as Magic)

Pat Jennings Award for Top Keeper

1 Geordie (He likes to score but goalkeeping is good)
2 Soup (He likes to score but goalkeeping is goodish)

Stephen Ireland Award for Pathetic Excuses

1 Willie (He's not well)
2 Fuzz (I'm not well)

Justin Fashanu Award for Girliness

1 Girly (He's a Girly Bhoy)
2 Eoin (He like ladyboys (according to Geordie))

Canny Sloth Award for Walking Football Brilliance

1 Sean (Only when he's fit)
2 Jim (Only when he has the time)

Tommy Smith Award for the dirtiest bastard

1 Hatchet (say no more)
2 Ron (Hatchet's biggest fan)

Full Brazilian Baldy Fanny Award for football elegance

1 Jolinho (The Belfast Pele)
2 Paul (The Belfast Rivelino)

The Gola Award for Fancy Feet

1 Feargal (Faster feet than Girly's fingers)
2 Deeno (He works at fiddling full time)

Pope John Paul 2 Award for Least Catholic Behaviour

1 Noel (Football is not a religion)
2 Davy (Neither is Mormonism)


While there was a comedy aspect to this ceremony, there was also an element of truth. You be the judge.

The Player of the Year was awarded to Hatchet McFlynn who was as surprised as I was. In his heightened state of ecstasy he insisted on taking the stragglers on out to a club (Love and Death) where Geordie and him danced the night away around their coats which they couldn't find afterwards.

Girly had an even more interesting end to his night. Incorrectly identifying Magic's coat as his own, he went home feeling a little fragile but couldn't get into his home since he had no keys. Explaining this to a chap in uniform didn't help but he did get a Big Mac. With no alternative, Girly made it to the home of Ron Manager in the early hours of Sunday morning. Forcing entry into his oldest friend's house and tempting Dusty with wizened sausage, he found himself a bed for the night. It was a surprise to Ron who bumped into him on the landing on Sunday morning and was forced to provide a full occupied six counties plus the other three fry.

Good job this is only an annual event.

Monday night football was a sedentary affair as football was a secondary consideration - avoidance of a heart attack being paramount.

On the social side, two dates for your diary...…………

Thursday 20th December - Care in the Community Evening, Errigle. If you want a free beer or two!
Friday 28th December - Dessie Armstrong Cup, Aquinas. Need players and supporters. Try to make it, but let me know on the WhatsApp. I will provide more details next week.

Finally, apologies for the archive photo of Hatchet McFlynn but he reckons he looks better there than he did in the end on Saturday night. I cannot comment!

New Youth Policy

Ron Manager recaptures his youth

At Lough Moss, of a Monday night, oft is heard the aphorism - "The older I get, the better I used to be". Although, generally true, this statement is anachronistic in basis and therefore not something that could be applied to Culchie or Liam, for example. It might or indeed could be applicable to latest recruit Gary, hereinafter referred to as Gazza, who made an outstanding debut last week but was unable to equal his first week's performance after being dragged down to the grass roots level of the Ulidia Masters after just seven days. Scoring and dynamically making the play on week one was followed up by tripping over Hatchet McFlynn, Klinsmann style on week two - for younger readers, Jurgen Klinsmann was a Nazi bastard who attempted reparation when signing for Zionist outfit Spurs in the 90's. He had a proclivity for diving, Stuka style, in the opposition penalty area.

The game was a tight affair, six goals equally divided (that means 3 each Magic) one of which was a gift from aforementioned magician and one an outstanding volleyed own goal from yours truly to deny Cruncher from getting on the scoresheet again. Two similar headed goals from Kev and Ferryman were pick of the bunch.

Culchie will be missing for the month of November as he has joined a moustache growing homosexual commune in an attempt to drop a couple of stones. He assures me he will be keeping abreast (or two) of ongoing developments at Ulidia via the blog so here's a nod to you Culchie in your latest misadventure!

They thought it was all over - it is now

Exclamation Marks - WTF!!!!!!!!!

Yeshh!! It's all over the internet.

A tight game. 3-2  to the victors, but the real winners were Culchie and Ferryman who will achieve internet stardom beyond their Tinder profile pages. Playing on opposing sides, one can only assume that it was their intention to keep the score down. Perhaps they had a wager with Paddy Power that they wouldn't get on the scoresheet. Maybe they each felt sorry for the hapless goalkeepers who were nowhere to be seen in the gaping open goal. Whatever, we shall remember them. Eejits!

Incredibly, they both tried to justify their ineptitude........

Ferryman - "I didn't expect the pass from Cruncher". Perhaps he has a point.
Culchie - " I was dizzy from the collision with Noel" . Only one person coming off worse there and it's not Culchie.

Two nailed on certs for the "Misses of the Year" award to be presented at the annual night out in December. Up to 22 starters for that, the second team rounded off when Girly Bhoy confirmed he will be in attendance and that he too is looking for a new "Mrs for the Year". Get back on "Asian Brides" Girly!

The Pope of Ulidia

Hatchet McFlynn - the smiling assassin

Since Ron Manager has been on enforced leave of absence, I have been called on to select teams at the beginning of each game. I believe that this is something that should be done before players arrive and consequently allow us to get started marginally quicker. I will raise this at the AGM. Last night's game saw Magic get a late call up as Girly was painting his toe nails, but this was very much a like for like replacement and did not affect the outcome of the game. 

Team selection follows a strange code as Ulidia's chief hatchetman is a regular first choice. As an advocate of fair play, I am unable to condone this preposterous selection method especially last night when Axeman Power was on the same side as Hatchet McFlynn. Despite this sorry state of affairs, I am pleased to report that flair and skill were victorious. The losing team may have been cold, calculating and clever in their callous attempts to thwart genuinely attractive football but they were not so good at counting up to five which was the number of goals scored by the winning team.

Post match, I discovered that Hatchet McFlynn is departing these shores imminently on a pilgrimage to Rome where he will receive absolution for his past crimes and can thus begin again his personal crusade in ankle biting.

On a more jovial note, Fuzz is booking the Xmas Dinner this week. Looks like we will have around 20 starters (and 20 mains) so you will be required to front up with a deposit which will also be £20. Date is December 1st.

Christians 4 - 5 Lions

Kev (1)              Noel

Hatchet             Paul (2)

Axeman            Cruncher

Culchie (1)        Fuzz (2)

Ciaran (1)          Stevie

Lorenzo             Mark (1)

Willie                 Gaz

Magic                Jim

Feargal (1)        Texas

Winner Alright

Winner "Rasta Paul" ready to rumble!

England bowed under the pressure and at the final hurdle, so did the long time leader, Roisin Campbell. Gary is a relieved man and young Tom can't look his mum in the eyes again without reddening with the embarrassment of it. Still, 2 women in the top three (the other, defending champion, Marie Louise, and therefore my reason for embarrassment) proves something. I don't know what it is. I guess it's just, Je ne sais quoi!

The winner came with a late run. As the leader hit the final hurdle Rasta Paul galloped clear, getting every result right on the final day with one correct score. He was delighted when I phoned him last night, if not a little surprised, nay shocked, at my forwardness when I asked where he lived. I explained that there was no tax to pay on his winnings and he has promised to buy me a pint if I ever see him again!

Runner up, Roisin has been paid by Gary and had nothing to say that a wry smile couldn't. Consequently he got a wry smile, as did yours truly from Marie Louise. Most interesting of the prize winners responses, was Sara Deazley's dad who is putting his £50 behind the bar in the Parador when I get back from my holiday at the end of July. Ron Manager will have checked every entry by then and I will put up a final results table for all 100 starters if interest prevails.

Incidentally, a distant 100th was Colin Mitchell. I believe he may be an associate of Big Viv and therefore possibly a Leeds United supporter. I hope not. Colin, you scored a measly 18 points. Those psychic cats would have done better!

It's been a long two weeks for some and an interesting two weeks for us all. Thanks for taking part and staying on 'til the end of the ride. See you back here in 2022. I definitely won't be in Qatar!


On the Podium

1  Rasta Paul (48) £250
2  Roisin (47)  £150
3  Marie Louise (44)  £50
3  Sara Deazley's Dad (44)  £50
5  Dan Taggart (42)
6  Chris Mark (41) - Still and final top culchie bai!
7  Niall Cosgrove (40)
8  Sean Nolan (39)
8  Ronan Smyth (39)
8 Andrew Morrow (39)