Lockdown Blues

Don't argue with the "Ulsterman"

In recent weeks, months and soon to be years, it has not been possible to switch on thon fancy flat screen without encountering the bake of the beast of Ulidia. If you scan your DAB receiver, you will also find a local or national station (international if you're that way inclined) broadcasting the thoughts of Chairman Power. What the fuck is going on? Ultan (Irish for Man of Ulster according to the academic tweets) at this moment in time, is the man to go drinking with, but by the time the pubs reopen it could be somebody else. Rest assured, it won't be Culchie, unless you enjoy riding home in the company of paramedics! Many of us were unaware that Ultan is Ireland's foremost authority in virology. Like Cuchulain, he has attained legendary status during the period of crisis that we have all been subject to. Unlike Cuchulain he has not yet lost his head although how he has managed to remain cool under cross examination by Sheriff Fatman is a credit to his ancestors, both mythical and genetic.

From my own position (at home, next to computer), I have to admit that I am becoming somewhat overwhelmed by an urge to leave the confines of my limited space to venture into the relative unknown. I haven't been to the shops, pub or anywhere in the company of humans in over eight weeks. I have to thank many of you (Sean, Ron, Mark, Stevie, Geordie and others) for keeping the cupboards fully plenished. Like most, I was fine with this for a while but I am having withdrawal symptoms from no football (attempting to play and watch), no socialising, no travel and no idea when any of that is likely to change. I'm fed up with bullshit politicians contradicting each other and themselves. I can't believe that I applauded Piers Morgan (metaphorically) for his grilling of some Tory sap on Breakfast TV a few days ago. Like everyone else, I applauded at 8pm on Thursday evenings for a couple of weeks until I realised it was just another statist ruse to ease the government's embarrassment for not paying those key workers what they deserve. Applause doesn't put food on the table. So, I'm a bit pissed off, but imagine having been in hospital since the start of March, pre lockdown! Well, our own Girly Bhoy is that girl/boy/man/ladyboy! He has had a scary time. He's in the City/Nightingale Hospital at ground zero but the good news is that he is responding to chemotherapy. He has been in touch with Ron Manager and myself but I have no doubt that he would appreciate a text or PM from some of you.

Still thinking of Ting Tong 27

So these photos are shared with his permission. He is hopeful of making it to the Christmas Dinner and to be fair, he looks like he could do with a good feed. Phase 5 of the "Lockdown Ease" is reopening pubs and restaurants. I hope that we can all be at the Christmas Dinner. We could get Ultan to invite Sheriff Fatman but he might eat all the grub.

Here's hoping everyone is keeping fit and healthy. We will get back to kicking each other some day, but not until Ultan says so. In the meantime, be good to yourself.

Death or Destiny

The unreasonable face of reason

How has it come to this? It's Monday, and for the third successive week, there is no Monday night game. The longest running regular football game in Belfast is, for the moment, consigned to history and largely due to the protestant (not the reformed religion but the noun applied to he who gives a fuck) complaints of the "Waterford Whisperer". He who doth protest when it is normal for him to be the subject of protest on a Monday evening, most often from Ron Manager. No longer are his dulcet tones regaling the Ulidia turf but he has been invited into our living rooms via the miracle of John Logie Baird. The Tower of Power is the voice of reason when it comes to imparting advice to the population of this remote administrative region of the UK (for now). I will no longer be able to take in that gazely countenance without looking down the length of a classroom metre rule and proffering the challenge, "En Garde".

We certainly are living in strange times and if Ultan is to be believed, this is just the start of an arduous path back to normality. BJ says it will get worse before it gets better, but if we follow the advice of our stalwart centre half wrecking ball, we might live to be kicked by the beast of Waterford one more time. Personally, I am looking forward to that evening.

As I left out the bins last Thursday night at 8 o'clock, I couldn't believe the tumultuous round of applause I got from the neighbours. It wasn't until I returned to the safety of my living room that John Logie Baird told me that the country was applauding Ultan and his sort. No, not big wankers from Waterford, but those that are putting their lives at risk...………….. well, you know the rest. How bizarre that we all now have to pay tribute to Ultan, but we do. Not for his contribution on a Monday night but for his contribution to getting us back to the pitch sooner rather than later. We all applaud you big man.
Thank you.

Orangefield - Love Street Champions

Hurricane Ulidia 

Orangefield Stormtroopers

Last week we had Storm Ciara and this week we were promised Storm Dennis. As it turned out Dennis was much less of a menace than Ciara but he didn't help conditions as Love Street rivals took the pitch at Ulidia, ancient home of football. The first venue for international rugby in Ulster, Sunday's game was supposed to be of the Association variety and when the ball was kept on the ground, both teams were neat exponents of the code. When booted up into the air, Dennis took control and it was anybody's guess where the ball would end up. For thirty minutes, both teams probed and created chances and despite the conditions, some attractive football was played. Noel Wilson and Mark Lynn looked bright Orange (Noel is working on his tan for his upcoming nuptials) while Pauls McCoy and Madden were Green with envy. A half time stalemate looked inevitable until hesitation in the steadfast Ulidia defence allowed Doc (hereinafter referred to as "Nimble Doc" due to his appreciation of the diet loaf) to steal in and drive the ball home for a goal that was probably slightly against the run of play.

Half Time
Ulidia 0 - 1 Orangefield

Ref Orla posed with Team Captains at half time

After the game resumed, Orangefield were able to make sweeping changes to their team and introduced the product of their youth policy which did not take long to register on the scoresheet. Desperate Dan was deadly as he ducked through the deflated defenders to deliver the double for his team. Diving to his right, Neil in the Ulidia goal was unlucky not to get his fingers to the ball.

A raft of changes to the Ulidia team followed as the game continued to ebb and flow. Stuart King (Banbridge manager and former Linfield player) outran the Ulidia full back and delivered a pinpoint cross for the new Orangefield number 9 to cushion home on the volley, wrongfooting the Ulidia keeper. Hendy celebrated like never before as he had never scored before (at least not since the playground, and that wasn't such a long time ago) not realising that this was his lucky day - he would win a fish supper in the ballot later.

The game was not over and Ulidia gave the scoreline some respectability when debutant, Liam O'Connor netted from the penalty spot. It was only a consolation as the Ref blew for full time shortly afterwards and The Love Street Cup will spend at least a year in the Orangefield trophy cabinet.

Full Time
Ulidia 1 - 3 Orangefield

In the three meetings of the sides to date, it's 2 - 0 to Orangefield with one match having been drawn. Some recruitment is required if Ulidia are to regain the coveted trophy next year. It is not an impossible task, but one that will require some reality checks in the Ulidia ranks if we want to remain competitive.

Post match saw both teams, spectators and friends repair to the players lounge in the big house where the real fun kicked off.

Orangefield flaunt the Love Street Cup

Ron Manager considers what might have been

Hendy shows off his boy of the match award and phones his agent

A great turn out and contribution to the ballot meant that we were able to raise over £800 on the day. The Orangefield lads donated the tidy sum of £230 and Michael Lavery of the Big House split the food bill with Ulidia. This has taken the fund raising total to in excess of £4000 which is a magnificent effort by everyone. I know that some were not able to be there on Sunday and still wish to contribute to the fund so please do by following the link https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/ulidiafootball

Remember that we are raising funds for the Belfast Marie Curie Hospice where our captain was cared for before his final whistle. A final push to see how high we can drive this total up in the next week or so. If you are having difficulty with the link please let me know and we can get this remedied before the page is closed.

Finally, a heartfelt thank you to Willie's family who turned out on Sunday to support his old team mates in what was unfriendly weather. We missed him on the pitch but cannot imagine the vacuum that has been left in their lives. We will continue as a team, in honour of his memory and we will win The Love Street Cup when we play for it again in 2021.

Love Street/McIntaggart Cup

Jolinho executes the St Pauli Double

The undisputed international, all embracing, non-racist, anti-sectarian ethos that we so proudly nurture at Ulidia was much in evidence when we were recently visited by two young Europeans. The fact that they were lost and looking for the former Kincora Boy's Home did not matter to Jolinho who gladly imparted the sterling advice of a man older than their combined years. He taught them how to perform his unique stepover and this time, in the shower. Kai and Jan were eager students and were happy to have included Ulidia in their whistle stop tour of the North and all the madness on offer. Jan will never forget the knife to his throat in Derry while Kai is proud to be remembered as a "Big Fuckin' German" all over Belfast. Hande Hoch meine Jungs!!

24 players on the pitch last week, but the intervention of Storm Ciara and more annoyingly, Belfast City Council meant that there were none on the pitch this Monday. Selection for the upcoming Love Street Charity Cup has therefore been unfairly compromised because the selection committee have very short memories. I would like to remind them how well Cruncher O'Keefe performed in the last competitive game with Cromac Albion when he was hailed for the chances that he missed rather than the one he converted.

Energy giving wotsits! - Cruncher swears by them

It is also worth reminding said committee that Cruncher is not available for this "Crunch" match due to other commitments. He will be with us in spirit though - Jameson's, I believe, as he has donated ballot prizes for the post match raffle. Thank you for that philanthropic gesture.

The opposition for the game on Sunday will be Orangefield Crocks which demonstrates the "Hands across the Divide" bollocks which has been fostered by our unique club. We have played Orangefield before and many of their players are neighbours of ours, even turning out in the green and white stripes when required.

Michael, Jim and Craig of Orangefield after a recent game for Ulidia

How fitting it is that they will provide the opposition in this replaying of The Love Street Charity Cup, last lifted by our Captain Willie McIntaggart in 2016.

Weiry and Willie in April 2016

It is anticipated that Weiry, for whom we played to raise funds 4 years ago will be making an appearance at Ulidia on Sunday, but don't expect him to buy you a drink. Not because he's a tight Scottish bastard, but because he has contributed handsomely to the fund raising page which has been set up to raise money for the Belfast Marie Curie Hospice who cared for Willie in December.

For those of you playing or coming to the game, please note that players are to convene at Ulidia at 12.15 for a 1 o'clock kick off. Post match nibbles in the Big House (next door) where music will be provided by The McIntaggart Ensemble and football will be on the telly. We hope to make this an annual event but much depends on your support so please do what you can do attend at some point on Sunday. If you are unable to make it (and you will need a bullet proof excuse) please go to
https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/ulidiafootball and give what you can. Just do it.

Willie McIntaggart 1959-2019

Captain Ulidia

We have all understood for some time that this day would certainly come and we are all, to a man, devastated at the loss of a colossus of a man, a leader and our friend. I really do not know where to begin. Tonight, Brian Kelly said, "I never understood what sort of men won the Victoria Cross, until I witnessed Willie dealing with terminal cancer. He had more courage than an army of men".

For now, I can't think of a more apt tribute. Suffer no more, my friend.

Harvest Doom

Bad Moon Rising - Kev's new Serpico

The moon was very nearly full, so the mongrel werewolves of Belfast were out in force on a Monday night at Ulidia. A total of 23 players ( that term requires a significant dollop of poetic license) were present on the green, grassy astroturf of strained groin. For those of you who are mathematically challenged, that is more than enough bodies to make two 11 a side teams - seems strange that there is often a struggle to get a team out when a competitive match beckons!

Several noteworthies were missing - Fuzz (injured), Ultan (recording a new album), Texas (his wife has a cold), Paddy (looking for Latino love), Ciaran (washing his hair) and Girly Bhoy (looking for his hair) - so it is no mean feat to put that many men on the pitch on a Monday night especially with Germany on the telly. And Belgium.

On the subject of missing star performers, it should be noted that Girly Bhoy has succeeded in hospitalising himself after a record breaking (his choice of words) South East Asian fandango.It would appear that excessive use of viagra is not conducive to a healthy lifestyle, so it isn't, especially if you have a rare form of cancer like! Consequently Girly is recovering in 6 North in the City and is receiving visitors. He hopes to be back on the streets in time for his annual ride at "The Ladyboys of Bangkok", after Oktoberfest.

On the pitch, both teams created enough chances to make it a high scoring draw but a combination of poor finishing and good goalkeeping meant that the difference between the teams was Cruncher.

Werewolves 6 - 2 Wolfmen

Ron will be collating names for the Xmas Dinner on 14 December very soon. No deposit is required. However, it is impolite not to attend if you have previously agreed to be there. In such circumstances you will be required to pay for your meal. The advice is not to put your name down unless you are confident that you will be there. By order of Ron Manager

Culchie Shoots, Culchie Scores.............For Once

Ron Manager cracks one off - a smile that is!

As Culchie stands in a pool of sweat (and vomit) he is astounded by the insipid sincerity of the gaffer's grin. What has he let himself in for? Well, there's a stupid question Culchie. You should have thought of that when you introduced Christine to Desertmartin's finest. The recent fitness regime has helped in the shedding of two stones (no, I couldn't believe it either) but let's hope it's not the important ones next to your cock, which is, at last, visible to your own naked eye for the first time since 2010. Ron is now expecting you to track back a bit more often than your customary once per match for your stint in between the sticks.

The Monday night game has improved since the move to Ulidia in January - something to do with home advantage? No. Just a better surface for the undoubted flair players in our midst. I would propose, at this stage of the year, that we have already seen the goal of the season - a 35 yard screamer from Fuzz to open Monday's account. Goals from Culchie, Soupy and Ferryman looked to have sealed it for Ron's selection but the Bogman's bhoys hit back with another from Fuzz, Noel and the winner from an embarrassed  Hustie as he scored with his left tit. So, 4-3 on the night, but football was the real winner as Culchie left with his tear soaked shirt.

The young man's nuptials take place this Friday (read the date on the shirt) and we wish him all the best on his new journey (to hell and back). All readers of the blog are invited to help him celebrate with free Jagerbombs at Crumlin Road Gaol from 19.30 or thereabouts in the evening. If you would prefer semtex to the other type of bomb, please remember that Crumlin is no longer HMP but a fine dining establishment in the heart of cultural North Belfast.

Hope to see a big turn out from the squad. All the best to Mr and Mrs Higgins - the happy couple!