The Boris Solstice shall exalt us (The Summer one we hope)

Three Wise Men and the Baby Jesus

On the shortest day of the longest year in all our lives,  the Ulidian Magi welcomed the onset of a bleak winter with a final assembly at the historic Ormeau Road stadium. Much has transpired here since football (soccer to the impurists) first arrived in Ireland in 1878, but little can rival the commitment of this incomparable, eclectic  collection of deviants. Still, it has been a year to forget.

All started well with a hard fought victory in the 2019 Dessie Armstrong Cup against arch nemesis Cromac Albion, but things quickly soured. The tragic loss of our Captain left many of us speechless but raising internal questions on our collective mortality and our future as a competitive unit. We came second in the replaying of the Love Street Cup in February but swore to avenge that defeat. All too soon, however, our football and banter world came crashing down when Ultan announced that he was chief advisor on the Stephen Nolan show. What he advised via that medium, was and has not been tidings of great joy. Our activity was curtailed in March and apart from sporadic returns to the pitch, there has been little to laud this season. Until now.

On this most palindromic day of the year (21/12) when there was a planetary conjunction not witnessed in centuries, we played for the final time in 2020 as we are imminently subject to a new lockdown. An exciting match provided a bizarrely one sided scoreline which was perhaps an unfair reflection of the game. Ultan's victorious Vaccinators scored 4 to the measly 0 accumulated by Ron's Christmas Donkeys. A sparkling long range effort from Eastern (where the wise men hail from) debutant, Trung was supplemented by Ciaran, Carron and Gaz. The highlight of the evening was yet to be served though.

In our season, which runs from January to December, we have traditionally had a player of the year vote at the annual Xmas dinner. This was conducted electronically this year and I do not recommend the digital duck a l'orange. The vote, however threw up a scintillating array of prospective winners.

Perhaps it was no surprise (although the look on Mark Carron's face suggested otherwise) that "Runaround" Stevie Huston attained enough fans to give him a third place finish. He regularly covers more ground in a match than Culchie and Cruncher put together and the smile on his face was only matched by that displayed when he was last the recipient of a kinder toy. "Don't drink it all at once son", said Ron in considerately thinking about the ongoing fitness of his infant protégé.

Nobody ever remembers the runner-up, but not so in this case. Giggsy Madden, as he told me he was once known, once upon an afternoon in Carryduff, regularly performs well enough to warrant my vote but then, what do I know, I voted for the eventual winner. At this announcement, all eyes were on Paddy who has shone brightly this year when not starting fires all over the pitch. The fire in his eyes was about to be extinguished however. 

Feargal (No fear) O'Keefe plays with his heart and sometimes his head on his sleeve. A regular player and a regular bloke, he required a hospital visit in October after he came into close contact with our national treasure, the Waterford Whisperer. Fortunately he tested negative. In my opinion, a worthy winner whom hereinafter will be referred to as "Fearless".

And so we returned to our respective homes to lie low until Ultan tells us we can come back out to play. 

So, finally a reminder to visit https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/henryarmstrong1 if you haven't done so already and if you have, as many of you have, thank you.

Happy Christmas and a Healthy New Year.
 

Lockdown Blues

Don't argue with the "Ulsterman"

In recent weeks, months and soon to be years, it has not been possible to switch on thon fancy flat screen without encountering the bake of the beast of Ulidia. If you scan your DAB receiver, you will also find a local or national station (international if you're that way inclined) broadcasting the thoughts of Chairman Power. What the fuck is going on? Ultan (Irish for Man of Ulster according to the academic tweets) at this moment in time, is the man to go drinking with, but by the time the pubs reopen it could be somebody else. Rest assured, it won't be Culchie, unless you enjoy riding home in the company of paramedics! Many of us were unaware that Ultan is Ireland's foremost authority in virology. Like Cuchulain, he has attained legendary status during the period of crisis that we have all been subject to. Unlike Cuchulain he has not yet lost his head although how he has managed to remain cool under cross examination by Sheriff Fatman is a credit to his ancestors, both mythical and genetic.

From my own position (at home, next to computer), I have to admit that I am becoming somewhat overwhelmed by an urge to leave the confines of my limited space to venture into the relative unknown. I haven't been to the shops, pub or anywhere in the company of humans in over eight weeks. I have to thank many of you (Sean, Ron, Mark, Stevie, Geordie and others) for keeping the cupboards fully plenished. Like most, I was fine with this for a while but I am having withdrawal symptoms from no football (attempting to play and watch), no socialising, no travel and no idea when any of that is likely to change. I'm fed up with bullshit politicians contradicting each other and themselves. I can't believe that I applauded Piers Morgan (metaphorically) for his grilling of some Tory sap on Breakfast TV a few days ago. Like everyone else, I applauded at 8pm on Thursday evenings for a couple of weeks until I realised it was just another statist ruse to ease the government's embarrassment for not paying those key workers what they deserve. Applause doesn't put food on the table. So, I'm a bit pissed off, but imagine having been in hospital since the start of March, pre lockdown! Well, our own Girly Bhoy is that girl/boy/man/ladyboy! He has had a scary time. He's in the City/Nightingale Hospital at ground zero but the good news is that he is responding to chemotherapy. He has been in touch with Ron Manager and myself but I have no doubt that he would appreciate a text or PM from some of you.

Still thinking of Ting Tong 27

So these photos are shared with his permission. He is hopeful of making it to the Christmas Dinner and to be fair, he looks like he could do with a good feed. Phase 5 of the "Lockdown Ease" is reopening pubs and restaurants. I hope that we can all be at the Christmas Dinner. We could get Ultan to invite Sheriff Fatman but he might eat all the grub.

Here's hoping everyone is keeping fit and healthy. We will get back to kicking each other some day, but not until Ultan says so. In the meantime, be good to yourself.

Death or Destiny

The unreasonable face of reason

How has it come to this? It's Monday, and for the third successive week, there is no Monday night game. The longest running regular football game in Belfast is, for the moment, consigned to history and largely due to the protestant (not the reformed religion but the noun applied to he who gives a fuck) complaints of the "Waterford Whisperer". He who doth protest when it is normal for him to be the subject of protest on a Monday evening, most often from Ron Manager. No longer are his dulcet tones regaling the Ulidia turf but he has been invited into our living rooms via the miracle of John Logie Baird. The Tower of Power is the voice of reason when it comes to imparting advice to the population of this remote administrative region of the UK (for now). I will no longer be able to take in that gazely countenance without looking down the length of a classroom metre rule and proffering the challenge, "En Garde".

We certainly are living in strange times and if Ultan is to be believed, this is just the start of an arduous path back to normality. BJ says it will get worse before it gets better, but if we follow the advice of our stalwart centre half wrecking ball, we might live to be kicked by the beast of Waterford one more time. Personally, I am looking forward to that evening.

As I left out the bins last Thursday night at 8 o'clock, I couldn't believe the tumultuous round of applause I got from the neighbours. It wasn't until I returned to the safety of my living room that John Logie Baird told me that the country was applauding Ultan and his sort. No, not big wankers from Waterford, but those that are putting their lives at risk...………….. well, you know the rest. How bizarre that we all now have to pay tribute to Ultan, but we do. Not for his contribution on a Monday night but for his contribution to getting us back to the pitch sooner rather than later. We all applaud you big man.
Thank you.

Orangefield - Love Street Champions

Hurricane Ulidia 

Orangefield Stormtroopers

Last week we had Storm Ciara and this week we were promised Storm Dennis. As it turned out Dennis was much less of a menace than Ciara but he didn't help conditions as Love Street rivals took the pitch at Ulidia, ancient home of football. The first venue for international rugby in Ulster, Sunday's game was supposed to be of the Association variety and when the ball was kept on the ground, both teams were neat exponents of the code. When booted up into the air, Dennis took control and it was anybody's guess where the ball would end up. For thirty minutes, both teams probed and created chances and despite the conditions, some attractive football was played. Noel Wilson and Mark Lynn looked bright Orange (Noel is working on his tan for his upcoming nuptials) while Pauls McCoy and Madden were Green with envy. A half time stalemate looked inevitable until hesitation in the steadfast Ulidia defence allowed Doc (hereinafter referred to as "Nimble Doc" due to his appreciation of the diet loaf) to steal in and drive the ball home for a goal that was probably slightly against the run of play.

Half Time
Ulidia 0 - 1 Orangefield

Ref Orla posed with Team Captains at half time

After the game resumed, Orangefield were able to make sweeping changes to their team and introduced the product of their youth policy which did not take long to register on the scoresheet. Desperate Dan was deadly as he ducked through the deflated defenders to deliver the double for his team. Diving to his right, Neil in the Ulidia goal was unlucky not to get his fingers to the ball.

A raft of changes to the Ulidia team followed as the game continued to ebb and flow. Stuart King (Banbridge manager and former Linfield player) outran the Ulidia full back and delivered a pinpoint cross for the new Orangefield number 9 to cushion home on the volley, wrongfooting the Ulidia keeper. Hendy celebrated like never before as he had never scored before (at least not since the playground, and that wasn't such a long time ago) not realising that this was his lucky day - he would win a fish supper in the ballot later.

The game was not over and Ulidia gave the scoreline some respectability when debutant, Liam O'Connor netted from the penalty spot. It was only a consolation as the Ref blew for full time shortly afterwards and The Love Street Cup will spend at least a year in the Orangefield trophy cabinet.

Full Time
Ulidia 1 - 3 Orangefield

In the three meetings of the sides to date, it's 2 - 0 to Orangefield with one match having been drawn. Some recruitment is required if Ulidia are to regain the coveted trophy next year. It is not an impossible task, but one that will require some reality checks in the Ulidia ranks if we want to remain competitive.

Post match saw both teams, spectators and friends repair to the players lounge in the big house where the real fun kicked off.

Orangefield flaunt the Love Street Cup

Ron Manager considers what might have been

Hendy shows off his boy of the match award and phones his agent

A great turn out and contribution to the ballot meant that we were able to raise over £800 on the day. The Orangefield lads donated the tidy sum of £230 and Michael Lavery of the Big House split the food bill with Ulidia. This has taken the fund raising total to in excess of £4000 which is a magnificent effort by everyone. I know that some were not able to be there on Sunday and still wish to contribute to the fund so please do by following the link https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/ulidiafootball

Remember that we are raising funds for the Belfast Marie Curie Hospice where our captain was cared for before his final whistle. A final push to see how high we can drive this total up in the next week or so. If you are having difficulty with the link please let me know and we can get this remedied before the page is closed.

Finally, a heartfelt thank you to Willie's family who turned out on Sunday to support his old team mates in what was unfriendly weather. We missed him on the pitch but cannot imagine the vacuum that has been left in their lives. We will continue as a team, in honour of his memory and we will win The Love Street Cup when we play for it again in 2021.

Love Street/McIntaggart Cup

Jolinho executes the St Pauli Double

The undisputed international, all embracing, non-racist, anti-sectarian ethos that we so proudly nurture at Ulidia was much in evidence when we were recently visited by two young Europeans. The fact that they were lost and looking for the former Kincora Boy's Home did not matter to Jolinho who gladly imparted the sterling advice of a man older than their combined years. He taught them how to perform his unique stepover and this time, in the shower. Kai and Jan were eager students and were happy to have included Ulidia in their whistle stop tour of the North and all the madness on offer. Jan will never forget the knife to his throat in Derry while Kai is proud to be remembered as a "Big Fuckin' German" all over Belfast. Hande Hoch meine Jungs!!

24 players on the pitch last week, but the intervention of Storm Ciara and more annoyingly, Belfast City Council meant that there were none on the pitch this Monday. Selection for the upcoming Love Street Charity Cup has therefore been unfairly compromised because the selection committee have very short memories. I would like to remind them how well Cruncher O'Keefe performed in the last competitive game with Cromac Albion when he was hailed for the chances that he missed rather than the one he converted.

Energy giving wotsits! - Cruncher swears by them

It is also worth reminding said committee that Cruncher is not available for this "Crunch" match due to other commitments. He will be with us in spirit though - Jameson's, I believe, as he has donated ballot prizes for the post match raffle. Thank you for that philanthropic gesture.

The opposition for the game on Sunday will be Orangefield Crocks which demonstrates the "Hands across the Divide" bollocks which has been fostered by our unique club. We have played Orangefield before and many of their players are neighbours of ours, even turning out in the green and white stripes when required.

Michael, Jim and Craig of Orangefield after a recent game for Ulidia

How fitting it is that they will provide the opposition in this replaying of The Love Street Charity Cup, last lifted by our Captain Willie McIntaggart in 2016.

Weiry and Willie in April 2016

It is anticipated that Weiry, for whom we played to raise funds 4 years ago will be making an appearance at Ulidia on Sunday, but don't expect him to buy you a drink. Not because he's a tight Scottish bastard, but because he has contributed handsomely to the fund raising page which has been set up to raise money for the Belfast Marie Curie Hospice who cared for Willie in December.

For those of you playing or coming to the game, please note that players are to convene at Ulidia at 12.15 for a 1 o'clock kick off. Post match nibbles in the Big House (next door) where music will be provided by The McIntaggart Ensemble and football will be on the telly. We hope to make this an annual event but much depends on your support so please do what you can do attend at some point on Sunday. If you are unable to make it (and you will need a bullet proof excuse) please go to
https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/ulidiafootball and give what you can. Just do it.